


Lost in You

by Indefensible2017



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-12-16 06:40:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11823300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Indefensible2017/pseuds/Indefensible2017
Summary: Serena starts dating again after her recent break-up with Robbie but it doesn’t take long for any plans of finding Mr Right to go awry when she meets newly-divorced Bernie Wolfe and her world gets turned upside down.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm back! I wasn't going to write for a while but then this idea came to mind and I couldn't help myself.
> 
> Chapter one starts right at the beginning of Bernie and Serena meeting in the car park and dips in and out of canon (less so after this chapter), is very much not a canon-compliant fic.
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think. Hope it's alright :)

**Chapter One**

 

Serena paced the tarmac of the hospital car park, her phone pressed against her ear as she listened to the mechanic on the other end mutter his excuses that he wouldn’t be able to get to the hospital to take a look at her car ‘til tomorrow. “Which part of ‘I need my car today’ are you struggling to understand?” She asked, her tone harsh, her patience well and truly running out. The sound of the mechanic hanging up the phone filled her ears and she felt her heart sink that her last hope had disappeared.

"Engine been growling or whining?" The voice made her spin around to see a blonde woman approaching, unlit cigarette between her lips. “Any intermittent smell of hot or burning rubber?”

“Define intermittent?” Serena asked, intrigued as to why a stranger would care about her car.

“Alternator might be cactus.”

“Sounds bad.”

The woman removed the cigarette from her lips, her eyes on the steaming engine in front of them.  “It is if you want to drive anywhere.”

Serena let out a small laugh, “Funny, you don’t look like a mechanic.” She _so_ hoped she was a mechanic. “Well apart from the fag.”

“I’m not a mechanic, I’m a trauma surgeon.”

“Ahh you must be Berenice Wolfe! Serena Campbell…” Serena held out her hand as she introduced herself, a smile forming on her lips for the first time that day. She’d heard all about Berenice already - she had practically been the talk of the hospital since she’d been admitted a few weeks ago with a broken spine. Her obvious fighting spirit had made Serena like her before they’d even met, and now as she stood offering car advice Serena knew her judgement had been right. “I think you’re meant to light it.” she added as she shook Bernie’s hand, before glancing down at the unlit cigarette still between Bernie’s fingers.

“I’ve had this cigarette for two years. My husband made me quit when British forces left Helmand, so I tore up every cigarette I had except this one. Thought I’d keep it as a symbol, of my freedom, of my old independent self.” Bernie smiled at her.

Serena felt her angst ebb away as Bernie spoke, her steady voice and big, brown eyes bringing some peace to an otherwise disastrous day. “Hmm, as symbols of freedom go it’s a bit pants… a nice bottle of Shiraz however.”  

"Goes really nicely with a fag." Bernie smiled at her.

“Oh dear, you’ve clearly made a great sacrifice for your husband.”

“Actually my divorce came through today,” Bernie replied, her voice full of a relief that Serena could only remember too well from the day her own divorce had come through.

“Congratulations.” Serena smiled.

Bernie pocketed the cigarette, “Can I help you fix your car?”

“Oh, honestly you don’t have to.”

“It’s no bother,” Bernie was already sliding her cream coat from her shoulders, placing it on a bollard beside Serena’s car and rolling up the sleeves of her black shirt, “I’d like to help.”

Serena stepped back from the car and Bernie reached over the engine to take a closer look. “Are you hoping to be somewhere?” she asked.

“I have a date.” Serena could feel herself cringe at the words. She was meeting one of Ric Griffin’s friends for dinner. Ric had recommend him as he had _only_ been married twice, like it was some sort of selling point. Serena didn’t fancy the idea of being anyone’s third wife even if he was (apparently) 6ft tall, muscular and 10 years Serena’s junior.

“I see.” Bernie disconnected the battery, grease and oil covering her hands within seconds of touching the pipes and connections across the car.

“It’s just a first date… my daughter’s idea. I’ve been dreading it actually.” The words felt odd on Serena’s lips. She hadn’t told anyone how much she hadn’t wanted to do this, how nervous she felt at the idea of meeting someone new. She would have much prefered to spend the night on her own with a glass of Shiraz and an old film.

“How come?”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve dated, my last partner, Robbie, couldn’t keep his hands to himself around his female colleagues, and the one before that - my ex husband - also turned out to have wandering hands and an alcohol problem to boot. It’s not exactly been plain sailing.” Serena tried to make her response sound lighthearted but she knew she had failed when Bernie glanced up to offer a look of sympathy.

There was a moment’s silence between them as Serena watched Bernie work her way across the insides of the car, removing and unbolting bits of metal she had never seen in the five years she had owned the car.

“I’m just unbolting the alternator, then I’m going to remove the wiring connectors,” Bernie explained, “Hopefully once I’ve put everything back then your alternator will be back in action.”

“How did you learn so much about cars?”

“You pick up a lot when you’re in the army, although I fixed more tanks than I did Saabs.”

Serena laughed, “I’m impressed.” She was more than impressed, found the sight of a woman covered in car oil quite refreshing after a morning of listening to men tell her how simple her car was to fix but doing nothing to actually help.

“Try the engine for me?”

Serena sat in the driver’s seat, turning the key as her foot pressed on the accelerator. The car spluttered and shook briefly before the engine kicked in, humming sweetly. She watched as Bernie dropped the bonnet down and headed round to her window.

Bernie leant down to the window, a smudge of oil down her cheek and her hair a little messy from having leant over the steaming engine. “Should be good to go.” She smiled.

“I owe you one, Berenice.” Serena returned the smile.

“Please call me Bernie.”

“Thank you, Bernie.” Serena could barely tear her eyes away from Bernie as they spoke, didn’t want to drive away to meet her date. She wanted to offer to buy Bernie a drink as a thank you but felt timid at the boldness of her thoughts, didn’t imagine Bernie would want to go for a drink with someone who had been a complete stranger less than ten minutes ago, especially not someone as doudy and monotonous as Serena. She imagined Bernie’s friends would all have exciting stories from the army or be world-ranking trauma surgeons such as herself.

“Have a wonderful date, Serena.” Bernie replied warmly before grabbing her coat and heading back inside the hospital.

* * *

 

“Double shot latte quick as you can please.” Serena handed her cash over to the Pulse’s barista, her need for caffeine having won out over her need to be on the ward. She had to take a double glance at the person that soon joined her side - Bernie was staring up at the list of different types of coffee Pulses offered with a confused expression on her face.

“Do you remember when coffee was just coffee?” Bernie asked.

"Strong and hot is all I care about on a day like today."

"Aye aye." She grinned.

Serena felt a blush rise to her cheeks. Twice now Bernie had found the right thing to say that made the stress of the day seem that little bit more bearable. “I’ve got RTCs and broken bones coming out of my ears. What I wouldn’t give for a couple of calm shifts on Keller.” she glanced at Bernie, trying to read how she was feeling, “How are you finding the quieter life by the way?”

“Oh it’s a relief.” Bernie gave a small nod and smile.

The barista passed Serena her coffee and Serena took it with both hands, feeling the need to protect the only thing that could get her through the rest of the day.

“Right one must dash, and you didn’t see me! I’d have an F1’s guts for garters if they couldn’t get through a heavy shift without caffeine.” Serena pushed the call button on the lift before turning back to Bernie, sharing a warm smile that made Serena’s insides turn a little bit to jelly, a feeling she frowned at as she made her way back up to AAU. She pushed the thought to the back of her mind - she had plenty to be getting on with without wondering about why Bernie’s smile made butterflies flutter in her stomach.

 

* * *

 

The day passed both like treacle and in a flash, the only result being the ache that now radiated from Serena’s limbs and mind as tiredness began to take over. Knowing she needed caffeine she slipped away from AAU and, latte in hand, outside to get some fresh air. “Busted again.” She smiled as she saw Bernie sat on the plastic seats alongside the building.

“Don’t worry I can keep a secret.” Bernie reassured her.

“Mind if I join you?” Serena noted the tiredness in Bernie’s shoulders, how her arms wrapped around herself and dark circles sat beneath her eyes. She remembered her first few days at Holby all those years ago - settling into a new job was hard, let alone trying to settle back into a civilian life after an entire career in the army.  “I’m guessing you’ve had one of those days too.”

Bernie let out a small laugh, before taking a moment’s silence. “How was your date last night?”

“Oh,” Serena blushed, “Not great.” She chosen not to mention that she had practically sabotaged the date from the outset, having forgotten the name of her date three time before they’d even gotten through their starter. She had felt distracted, her mind still full of memories of meeting Bernie and how intrigued Serena felt by her. David (or was it Daniel?) hadn’t stuck around for dessert, had paid the bill and made an excuse about having an early start tomorrow. Serena had stayed at the restaurant, finished the bottle of wine they had been sharing before heading home.

“Plenty more fish.”

“That’s what they say.” Serena paused as she sipped her coffee. “Are you thinking of getting back out there? Now you’re divorced? The world is your oyster as they say.”

She let out a small laugh in response before glancing off into the distance, avoiding Serena’s eye, “It’s complicated at the moment.”

“When isn’t it,” Serena replied, her heart jumping nervously in her chest at the words that then formed quickly in her mind and spilled out of her mouth before she could stop herself. “Silly to keep meeting up like this. Next time you need a caffeine shot and a chat, you should just call me.”

Bernie responded with an appreciative smile, holding Serena’s gaze silently in a manner that Serena found captivating and utterly serene. She thought to herself that if the world ended there and then she would let it happen, to remain lost in Bernie’s eyes.  

“Sorry to interrupt, you’re wanted back on the ward, Janet Wallace is refusing treatment.” Sacha’s voice broke the moment, Serena's body filling with disappointment that their conversation had been interrupted.

She watched as Bernie left the seats, thinking to herself how much the burgundy scrubs suited Bernie's thin and muscular frame. It wasn't like her to notice those sorts of things about other women. There was just something about Bernie… Serena gulped her coffee, hoping somehow that the caffeine hit would flush the thoughts from her mind.

* * *

 

Serena felt torn as she finished her shift, both desperately pulled towards her bed and Albie’s. Surely one small glass of wine wouldn’t hurt? Might even help her sleep. She walked past her car and towards the pub, hoping someone from the hospital would be there, not really fancying the idea of drinking alone. She felt her heart leap as she noticed Bernie at the bar with the Keller team.  “Mind if I join in?” 

“Not at all, but I’ll tell you now we’re not drinking coffee.” Bernie smiled before handing over a £20 note to the barman.

Serena laughed, resting up against the bar next to Bernie as she ordered doubles of something or other. Serena was sure whatever it was she would drink it, needed it after the day she’d had. She felt Bernie's shoulder press against hers as they stood together, enjoyed the comfort she found in it. 

Sacha and Dom ended up leading the conversation as the team stayed at the bar, glasses of whiskey in hand. Serena realised as they spoke how much she missed working on Keller, how wonderful the team were. 

"And how's life on AAU?" Dom asked.

"Hectic, as per. Hanssen asking for all sorts of reports and I've barely got the time to treat patients as it is." Serena sighed, staring into her glass as though a solution would appear in the golden liquid. 

Dom could only offer an apologetic smile in response. 

"I tell you what," Bernie started, "Keller is fairly quiet, why don't I come and work down on AAU ? Help lighten the load 'til you've got your reports sorted?" She took a sip of her drink before adding "I'm sure Mr Levy wouldn't mind?"

Sacha shrugged happily, seeming to agree with Bernie's suggestion. 

"Thank you, that would be helpful." Serena couldn't think of anything better than having such a talented consultant on AAU. It would certainly ease the pressure on her and Serena was sure the AAU team would make Bernie feel more than welcome. 

Bernie smiled, before noting that Serena had finished her drink. “Another round?”

“I’ll get these.” Serena offered.

“Nonsense. I suggested shots in the first place.” Bernie countered.

“Please, it's the least I can do.” Serena reached out to stop Bernie’s hand from offering the barman another note, her skin tingling at the sensation of Bernie’s warm skin beneath her fingertips. Bernie remained silent, her hand still as she simply looked into Serena’s eyes.

The intensity of the interaction making Serena’s pulse quicken and she pulled her eyes away from Bernie, looking over at the barman. “Another round please.” She moved her hand from atop of Bernie's to take a £20 from her pocket, paying for their drinks, before awkwardly fiddling with a beermat on the bar top, trying to find and failing to find a reason, other than Bernie's touch, for the butterflies that now filled her stomach. 

It must be the the alcohol. 

Serena could already feel the hazy effects of her first whiskey, knew she was smiling a little broader and leaning a little closer to Bernie's side than she had before. She quickly downed the second drink as it was passed to her, feeling the liquid sting her throat. "I really should go, it's getting late. Thanks for letting me crash your party." 

"Not fancy staying for one more?" Dom asked.

Serena shook her head, doing her best to avoid looking over at Bernie, knew if Bernie asked her to stay then she would. "I'm on an early shift tomorrow, thanks though." And with that she headed out of Albie's, her mind a swirling sea of whiskey and Bernie Wolfe.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken me an age to write. I've had a crappy couple of weeks and my head just wasn't in the right place to write, but better late than never I guess. I will try my best to make sure it doesn't take quite so long to get the next chapter to you. Thank you for the lovely responses I had to chapter one. :)

**Chapter Two**

 

“You look stressed.” Ric’s voice pulled Serena’s attention from her computer over to where he stood in the doorframe of her office.

“That would be because I am.” Serena replied matter-of-factly, her eyes stinging as they adjusted to the light away from her screen. Bernie’s promise of help had been delayed until today and so Serena had manned the fort alone, working sixteen hour days and surviving off caffeine and the occasional pastry, her body on the verge of exhaustion. 

“It’s only going to get busier, in the run up to Halloween, bonfire night and then all the Christmas parties…”

“Thanks Ric.” She rolled her eyes, reaching for the latte Fletch had purchased for her on his way in this morning, given with a sympathetic smile and a promise of no interruptions - he obviously hadn’t anticipated Ric dropping by.  

“How was your date with Daniel last week? What did you think of him?”

“He was…” Serena could barely remember him. It seemed so long ago and he had not been the focus of her time then, or at any point since then, “nice.”

“He said you seemed distracted.”

Serena grimaced a little, feeling guilt fill her body. She had never intended to make him feel unwanted. There was nothing wrong with him, he just wasn’t…. special. “Oh Ric, I’m sorry, it’s just work has been crazy.” She motioned to the files across her desk.

Ric gave a sympathetic smile, “Hey, it’s fine, I understand. I do have a proposition for you, however.”

“I’m not sure I can take any more dates,” she shook her head, “even Elinor seems to now have accepted I will probably die alone.” Her phone call with Elinor the previous night to discuss her date with Daniel had left Elinor exasperated, she had even raised the subject of internet dating before being immediately shot down and finally giving up, having run out of ways to help with her mother’s love life. Truth be told, Serena found the idea of dying alone much more appealing than spending the rest of her days on dates with forgettable men. 

“One more date - I promise you’ll like this one.”

Serena smiled at Ric’s never-failing enthusiasm, despite very much not wanting to date another one of Ric’s friends. “What’s his name?”

“Charlie. We play golf together. He’s never been married, no kids, in his 40s, works in insurance, drives a Porsche.”

Golf? Insurance? He sounded like the most boring person Serena would ever meet, however the hopeful look on Ric’s face made refusing seem impossible. “Fine, fine…” she held up her hands in defeat, “but this is the last one!”

“Deal.” Ric grinned.

“Last what?” Bernie appeared behind Ric, poking her head around the door.

“Serena’s upcoming last ever date.” Ric replied, moving to the side for Bernie to slip past him into the office.

“Oh?” Bernie looked surprised.

“Alright, enough about my lovelife please!” Serena exclaimed. Bernie’s presence made memories of Albie’s flash back to her - thoughts of Bernie’s hand under hers making her blush.

“I’ll text you when I’ve set it up with Charlie.” Ric waved before leaving Serena and Bernie alone.

“Sorry it’s taken me so long to get here, the last few days have been busy… “ Bernie gave an apologetic smile, her hands pushed into the pockets of her light blue AAU scrubs.

Serena couldn’t help but notice how the light blue colour suited her even better than the burgundy.  “I’m just glad you’re here now, sooner have someone that knows what they’re doing than  _ Larry Locum _ .” She got up from her chair, leading Bernie out into the ward. “Fletch will show you the ropes of the ward but any questions feel free to come and interrupt. I’ve got an endarterectomy at 4pm, if you’d like to assist, otherwise I’ll be in my office I’m afraid."

Bernie nodded her agreement, remaining silent. 

Fletch looked up from his patient files at the nurse’s station as the two women approached.

“Fletch, Bernie Wolfe. Bernie, this is Fletch.” Serena motioned between them, “Can I leave you to it?” She felt her hand twitch, wanted to reach out and touch Bernie’s arm as though to reassure her she was in safe hands with Fletch but she resisted, letting her hand stay by her side. Truth be told, Serena wasn't entirely convinced her reaction to Bernie's skin against hers had been entirely down to the alcohol. A thought that had sat at the back of her mind for the last few days, filling her with confusion. Being back around Bernie had made the thoughts resurface, taunting her like a puzzle she couldn't find the answer to. She headed back to her office, closing the door and letting a heavy breath leave her body. 

 

* * *

 

4pm rolled around soon enough, and scrubbed in to theatre, Bernie assisted as Serena worked on their endarterectomy patient.

“Were you feeling alright on Friday night? You left Albie’s a little suddenly.” Bernie asked, clamping the carotid artery Serena had pointed out to her in a scan before they’d entered theatre.

“I was fine, just tired,” Serena opened the artery with her scalpel, “also my nephew has just moved in with me, I didn’t like to stay out late when he’s still settling in.”

“Is that a permanent arrangement?”

“Neither of us are quite sure, but possibly. He’s lovely but hard work.” 

“Sounds like my family too.”

“Kids?” Serena asked, her attention on the patient as she cleaned out the artery.

“Two, both grown up and at universities in different parts of the country. We don’t keep in touch very often.”

Serena could hear the sadness in Bernie’s voice and thought it best avoid pushing a sensitive conversation. The relationship Bernie had with her kids sounded difficult at best. Even if Serena didn’t see Elinor particularly often they still spoke on the phone frequently, she couldn’t imagine what it would be like not to have that.

What must have happened to Bernie’s family to create such distance? Maybe the divorce was messy? Or perhaps 25 years in the army destroys any possibility of having a close family? Whatever the reason, now wasn’t the time to ask.

Serena wanted to tell Bernie some sort of reassuring cliche about time healing things, but instead settled on an invitation out with the team tonight, her heart racing as the words left her lips and her mind filled with image of Bernie’s big, brown eyes lit by candlelight. “We have an AAU team meal later, if you fancy joining us?" 

“Wouldn’t I be intruding?” Bernie asked. 

“Not at all. I’d like to hear about how you’ve found working with us today.” Serena felt a little nervous that Bernie wouldn’t want to come back, that she wished she’d stayed on Keller. “The artery is clear and ready for stitching.” 

“Needle please,” Bernie held out her hand and a nurse passed over the needle she needed. “I usually just end up with a microwave meal when I get in from work… a proper dinner would be nice.” She began stitching.

Serena watched as Bernie’s nimble fingers made quick work of the artery. Surgery with Bernie seemed easy. It had a simple joy about it that she’d never experienced with another surgeon. "Leave here at 7?"

“Sounds great. I can close up here, if you want to get back?” Bernie looked up, the crinkling of her eyes signalling a smile of her lips behind her mask.

“Thanks.” Serena left theatre, waiting until she was back in her office before a wide smile pulled at her lips, no longer able to hide the feeling of elation in her chest at the idea of Bernie joining her, and the rest of the AAU team, for dinner that night.   
  


* * *

Serena reapplied her lipstick and a touch more mascara in her hand mirror, wishing there was something she could do about the dark circles under her eyes. She looked like she hadn’t slept in a week. She ran her fingers through her hair, ruffling it out a little into some sort of style. It would have to do.

“Ready Serena?” Fletch asked from the office door and Serena looked up to see him, Morven, Raf and Bernie gathered together.  She nodded, pulling her coat on and joining the group. 

"I'm on an early tomorrow so don't let me drink!" Morven waggled her finger at Fletch as they headed out of the hospital.

Fletch shrugged, a cheeky grin on his face, "I'm making no promises."

Morven turned to Serena, who had ended up walking side by side with Bernie, "Ms Campbell." Her eyes pleaded that someone would keep her in check.

"Sparkling water, missy," Serena smiled, receiving a smile from Morven in reply, "else there'll be trouble." She pulled her black coat around herself a little tighter - the October weather felt biting after twelve hours of air-conditioned hospital air. 

"Productive day?" Bernie asked once Morven had joined the main group ahead, leaving the women to walk together a little further back.

“It was.” Serena smiled. Having been able to spend nearly all day working through her backlog of paperwork she was starting to see the end in sight. “Tell me about your day?”

“Busy. Fast-paced. Rewarding.” Bernie replied. "I liked it."

"Would you be alright to do a couple more days? I just need a bit longer to get through this work and--" Serena asked, feeling awful that Bernie might feel pressured to help if she didn't want to.

Bernie cut her off, “Serena, it's fine, I'd be glad to help.”

The smile Bernie offered with her words made Serena’s stomach somersault. She quickly diverted her eyes to the pavement, terrified Bernie would be able to read her emotions. She could barely make sense of her feelings as it was without having to worry about how Bernie would react to them too.  

They walked together in silence for a few seconds before Bernie pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from her pocket, taking a cigarette from the cardboard box and placing it between her lips.

"I thought you quit?" Serena's eyes drifted to how Bernie gently held the white stick between her rosy lips.

“My self control is fairly awful I'm afraid." She lit the cigarette, hand cupped around the lighter to shield it from the wind. 

The smell of tobacco made Serena pine for the nicotine. "Can I have a drag?" She asked, the temptation too much.

Bernie nodded, sucking on the cigarette deeply before taking it from her lips, passing it to Serena. “Didn’t realise you smoked?”

“Robbie asked me to quit when we were dating. I don’t know why I agreed, not like staying with him did me any good.” Serena let out a small laugh before taking a long drag on the cigarette, letting the smoke sink in her lungs. She noticed her pink lipstick had stained the cigarette paper as she passed it back. "Sorry, forgot I had lipstick on." 

"Don't worry," Bernie smiled, "it's a nice colour, suits you."

Serena felt herself become tongue-tied at the compliment, watched as Bernie took the cigarette back, her lips pressing where Serena’s lipstick had left its mark. The sight of Bernie’s lips where Serena’s had been just seconds earlier made Serena’s breath hitch and she cleared her throat awkwardly, forcing her attention to the backs of their colleagues who walked on ahead. 

After another drag, Bernie offered the cigarette to Serena again and they continued to share it as they walked the rest of the way to the restaurant in a comfortable silence. 

Serena had visited the small Italian restaurant plenty of times before, mostly with the AAU gang but occasionally with Robbie. The waiters recognised her, offering warm smiles and greeting her by name as they took the group’s coats. 

Morven, Fletch and Raf sat down at the six-seater table Serena had booked - Fletch and Raf sat one side and Morven the other. Serena sat down next to Morven, Bernie taking the seat opposite, their legs brushing briefly under the table as they settled themselves.

Bernie rid herself of her coat to reveal a dark green shirt that complimented her black jeans and heavy brown boots. Serena wondered how Bernie could look so effortlessly good in both scrubs _and_ civilian clothes. She felt frumpy and tired in both, even more so lately.

"Bottle of Shiraz, Serena?" The waiter asked, breaking Serena from her thoughts.

"Oh I'm not sure I can manage a bottle to myself." Serena glanced down at the wine menu in her hands, knowing Raf and Fletch would be drinking beer.

"I'll share a bottle with you." Bernie spoke.

"Really?" Serena asked.

She nodded and the waiter scribbled on his notepad before leaving them in peace.

"I didn't take you for a wine drinker." 

"It was whiskey when I was in the army but not so much now." Bernie played with the wine glass in front of her, spinning the stem between her fingers.

“Do you not think about going back? To the army?”

“I think about it every day,” Bernie paused, pursing her lips for a second before continuing “Apparently you don’t bounce back from a C5-C6 spinal fracture... I’d never pass the medical for a training role, let alone be allowed back out into the field.” The sadness in Bernie’s eyes and voice was evident.

“I’m sorry.” 

Bernie shrugged, “It hasn’t been easy. Working to the rules of the NHS doesn’t exactly come naturally, and living on my own still feels odd, but I’ll settle.”

"You’ve got a good bunch of people around you, Holby is a friendly place to be."

Bernie smiled, "I do feel welcome...you've made me feel welcome, Serena."

“It’s been my pleasure.” Serena replied, trying to control the butterflies that fluttered around her stomach enthusiastically.

A waiter appeared with their wine, pouring them both a glass before placing the bottle between them and heading around to the other end of the table to pass Raf and Fletch their beer and Morven her water.

Serena sipped her wine, watching how Bernie tucked her hair behind her ear as she picked up her menu. The candlelight lit their table well enough for Serena to make out the still-healing scar on Bernie’s neck from her surgery, the freckles that dotted her cheeks and her small silver stud earrings. Bernie possessed an undeniable combination of strength and beauty that Serena couldn’t help but admire. 

“What would you recommend ordering?” she asked.

“The sea bass is good.” Serena replied.

“Is that what you’re having?”

She nodded.

"Are you ladies ready to order?" the waiter returned, notepad and pen in hand.

Serena ordered the sea bass and Bernie did the same, the others ordering their meals before Fletch involved the table in a discussion over whether or not AAU should enter a team into the Holby half marathon - an idea which Serena could only describe as utterly horrendous.

 

* * *

 

Half a bottle of Shiraz and two courses later Serena pulled her coat on, doing up the buttons as she braced herself for the coldness of the night. Her stomach was pleasantly full of rich, Italian food and she could feel the comforting warmth of the wine across her body. The evening had been full of laughter and friendly debate, had reminded Serena of how good life was outside the walls of her office. 

“Bernie, are you back in AAU tomorrow?” Fletch asked, him, Raf and Morven already heading out of the restaurant to go to Albie’s for a last drink.

Bernie nodded, “See you in the morning.”

Fletch gave a thumbs up and left Serena and Bernie to make their way back to the car park.

“Thank you for inviting me tonight.” Bernie spoke as they walked together, the streets quiet apart from the sound of ambulances coming and going from the hospital.

“Thank you for coming.”

“You have a great team. They love you.”

“Oh please.” Serena gave a small laugh. 

“Honestly, you’ve built something pretty amazing in that hospital.”

“I’ve done my job.” 

“It’s more than that though. I’ve seen so many good surgeons who couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery. It takes someone special to do what you’ve done, Serena.  You should be proud of yourself.” 

Serena could feel a lump form in her throat at Bernie’s words, couldn’t remember the last time someone had praised her work at Holby, wondered if anyone ever had. After months of Guy Self’s emotional abuse, Bernie’s words felt like the comfort she had longed for. Reaching Serena’s car, they stopped and Serena blinked several times to try and clear the tears that threatened to fall. 

“Hey, I’m sorry.” Bernie reached out to touch Serena’s arm gently, her voice soft. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, no, don’t apologise, I’m just being silly.” Serena laughed, embarrassed that Bernie had caught her so emotional. It wasn’t like Serena to let her guard down, to become so upset in front of someone else, but with Bernie it felt different. She felt understood. 

Bernie’s hand remained at Serena’s arm, her thumb stroking her. She gave a small smile, her eyes full of warmth and reassurance, before finally speaking the words Serena didn’t want to hear, “I better go.” 

Serena nodded, taking an intake of breath, having been too caught up in Bernie’s gaze to remember to breathe. “Of course, it’s late.”

“See you tomorrow, Serena.”

Bernie’s hand fell to her side and Serena missed the contact immediately.  She watched the blonde head back to her own car and give a small wave before driving off. 

Serena leant against her car, glancing up at the night sky to try and find answers to questions she couldn’t even find the words to ask. A week ago she had never even met Bernie Wolfe and now what?  _ Something _ was different.  _ She _ felt different.

Letting out a tired sigh, she climbed into her car. She wasn’t going to figure this out at 11pm in Holby City car park. She needed to talk to someone.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read this. :) I apologise for any spelling/grammar mistakes - I should probably stop drinking Shiraz while I write fic but here we are!

**Chapter Three**

 

“Can I ask your opinion on something, Ellie?” Serena toyed with the cord of her landline, curled up on the couch, glass of Shiraz in hand. Jason was at Alan’s for an evening of board games, wouldn’t be back 'til late and Serena had seen it as the perfect opportunity to finally call Elinor and ask about Bernie - sort of.

“Of course, mum.” Elinor replied.

Serena could feel her heart rate increasing, her confused feelings over Bernie suddenly feeling very real as she vocalised them, “Have you ever met someone and it’s just  _ different _ ? Even though you don’t know them very well? It feels like you do?” 

“Go on.” Elinor urged.

Serena didn’t want to go on, she wanted Elinor to give her some sort of logical reason as to why she felt this way, and then she wanted to change the subject to something that made her a lot less nervous. Nevertheless, she carried on at Elinor’s request, “We just seem to have this connection or at least I think we do but we barely know each other. Everything just feels… right… simple… like we understand each other.  Oh Ellie, I’m not explaining myself very well, am I?” She felt her palms sweating, took a big glug of Shiraz as she awaited her daughter’s response.

“Mum, whoever this guy is, it sounds you’ve got one hell of a crush. I haven’t heard you talk about anyone like this in like, forever. You should just ask him out.”

Him? A crush? Serena wanted to tell Elinor that it was a woman, that it  _ couldn’t _ be a crush, but the words died on her lips. It was too complicated. She couldn’t bear it if Elinor wrongly judged the situation when she’d never met Bernie. She couldn’t possibly understand what Bernie was like or what  _ this _ felt like.

“Actually Ric has set me up with another date,” Serena changed the subject, “day after tomorrow.”

“Oh!” The excitement in Elinor’s voice was undeniable, “Where will you be going?”

“He’s taking me to a champagne bar.”

“How romantic.” Elinor swooned.

Serena frowned. Was it romantic? Wasn’t it just champagne? 

“If it doesn’t go to plan will you ask this other guy out?”

“I really don’t think--”

“Mum, will you stop being so afraid of how you feel? Not everyone you meet is like dad or that awful Robbie guy, some people are  _ actually _ nice. Listen, I’ve gotta go, a group of us are heading out for drinks. Speak soon, yeah?”

“Bye, Ellie.” Serena hung up the phone. Her conversation with Elinor hadn’t helped anything, in fact it had probably made the situation worse. 

Serena wondered, if Bernie was a man, would she would be feel in such a crisis over her feelings?  She doubted she would have even paused to consider how she felt. The butterflies, the way her heart thumped in her chest when they were together, the tingling of her skin when Bernie touched her. She would have classed this as attraction within minutes, would have laid her classic Serena Campbell charm on thick and made a move by now. 

Serena couldn’t deny Bernie was beautiful but she’d never been more than friends with a woman before - how could she suddenly be attracted to women at fifty-one years old? Or was it just Bernie she felt like this about? What did that even mean? 

She lay back against the back of the sofa, closing her eyes.  _ Was _ she attracted to Bernie? 

_ She imagined Bernie in her office, sat on one of the visitor chairs next to Serena’s, pulled close so that their knees touched. Bernie’s fringe was falling over her eyes a little as she looked up at Serena, a nervous smile pulling at her lips. The blinds were pulled closed, the office dimly lit from the small amount of light that crept through the under the locked office door.  _

_ Bernie’s fingers were brushing over Serena’s knees, moving up her thighs as she leant in closer to Serena’s body, her eyes focused on Serena’s lips as her own parted. Serena could feel Bernie’s warm breath on her face as she got closer, Bernie’s hands reaching the top of her thighs, letting her fingertips brush inside of Serena’s thighs.  _

The anticipation of Bernie’s soft lips against her own made Serena moan. She needed to feel Bernie’s mouth on hers like she needed the air in her lungs.  She opened her eyes, downing the rest of her wine as she tried to rid her mind of the images, afraid where her thoughts would take her next should she let them continue. 

Elinor was right. This was one hell of a crush.    
  


* * *

 

"Up to anything nice tonight?" Serena asked Bernie as they scrubbed out of theatre.

They’d barely seen each other all day, Serena not afraid to admit to herself that she had been avoiding Bernie somewhat, the realisation of her feelings only increasing the nerves she felt to be around her. She had barely slept last night, tense with the desire she now recognised in her body - a feeling that sat at the tips of her fingers and toes and culminated hungrily in her lower belly.

She had tripped over her own words several times during their  laparotomy , had found herself laughing a little more at Bernie’s jokes, and holding eye contact with her a little longer than perhaps was the norm for colleagues but somehow felt incredibly natural with Bernie. Everything with Bernie felt natural.

Serena had finished her paperwork that afternoon, meaning that day would Bernie’s last on AAU, and Serena couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss at the idea of not having Bernie around. She had already grown so used to the idea of Bernie being around. She wondered if they would see each other again once Bernie moved back up to Keller. 

"Actually it's my birthday today," Bernie looked up from her soap covered hands, "I'm going to see Crystal Palace play."

Serena couldn't think of a worse way to spend a birthday than shivering in the cold wind of a stadium for 90 minutes, cheering at a bunch of overpaid blokes. "Sounds like fun." She replied nonetheless.

"I have a spare ticket," Bernie reached across Serena to grab some paper towels to dry her hands, "a friend bailed on me... Would you like to come with?” There was a touch of uncertainty to Bernie’s voice, her eyes focused on the paper towel in her hands. “Might be a bit dull on my own." 

"Sure." The idea of Bernie going to the football on her own on her birthday made Serena's heart sink - of course she would go with her. Serena thought she would probably go anywhere if it was Bernie asking her.

Bernie looked up from drying her hands, her eyes lighting up at Serena’s agreement, "It's going to be a really good match."

Serena smiled, "Can't wait."

 

* * *

 

By 6pm Serena and Bernie were on the train from Holby to the football ground, packed like sardines on a crowded commuter train. Bernie had her red and blue Crystal Palace scarf wrapped around her neck, a stark contrast with her cream coat and golden hair. She kept glancing apologetically at Serena as the train picked up more passengers with each stop, pushing two women closer together and increasing the heat inside the carriage.

Serena could feel Bernie's breath on her cheek as they stood together silently, the train seemingly eerily quiet despite how busy it was. Serena wondered how people could travel like this every day. How lonely it must to be so close to so many people and yet be completely disconnected.

"We’re nearly there.” Bernie spoke softly, one hand in her pocket as the other held onto a nearby pole to steady herself as the train swayed gently along the tracks. 

“There better be a glass of Shiraz with my name on it when we get there.”

“I’m sure I can find you one.” Bernie grinned and within a few minutes the train had pulled into Selhurst station and they were walking the short distance to the stadium. 

Once they had had their tickets checked, Bernie somehow located the only bar in the stadium that served wine and bought Serena a large glass of Shiraz before buying a pint of lager for herself. There was a hum of excitement to the stadium as people purchased food and drink, standing in little groups together around the corridors, happily discussing who would be playing and formations of the teams. Serena thought that Jason would perhaps like to come and see a match sometime, made a mental note to ask him when she got home. 

“Do you do this often?” Serena asked as they finally located and reached their seats in the large stadium.

“Not as much as I’d like, I only really got tickets because my friend suggested it would be a fun thing to do for my birthday. We always talked about going to the football together sometime, when we were out in Kandahar it was one of the few things we talked about doing when we got back to England.” Bernie sounded wistful at the memory and it made Serena ache a little that her friend had let her down.

“I’m sorry she’s not here.” 

“I’m glad you’re here.” Bernie replied, her smile so warm that Serena felt her heart swell. 

“Is this match important then?” Serena changed the subject, unable to find an appropriate response to Bernie’s words when all she wanted to say was  _ I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. _

“If we win this then we get into the top five in the league, so yeah, pretty important.” Bernie nodded excitedly. 

Serena wasn’t sure what the significance of being in the top five was, or which league Crystal Palace were in, but was saved by the appearance of the players on the pitch and the deafening roar of the crowd around them.

 

* * *

 

"GOOOAAALL!!" The scream that left Bernie’s lips came as a shock to Serena, having never expected such a loud sound to come from someone so lithe. Bernie’s arms were in the air in celebration, her expression filled with elation. The crowd around them was erupting, the noise filling Serena’s ears as people waved their scarves and flags jubilantly.  

"What does that mean?" Serena asked, noting the crowd (and Bernie’s) reaction had far surpassed the excitement of the previous goals. 

"We’ve won!” Bernie turned to her, “There's no way the other side can get three goals in the next few minutes.”

Serena couldn't help but smile at the joy on Bernie's face. She looked gorgeous - her nose and cheeks a little red from the cold and her hair a little wild from the wind. Serena had to stop herself from reaching out and tucking a strand of loose hair behind Bernie’s ear, couldn’t help but wonder how soft Bernie’s hair would be between her fingers. 

"Did you not know?" Bernie asked. 

"I... football isn't really my thing." Serena blushed, ashamed to admit her lack of interest in the sport. 

"Have you ever been to a match before this one?"

Serena shook her head.

"Did you come just for me? Because it's my birthday?"

"Umm... Yes." The confession made Serena cringe with embarrassment but the next thing she knew Bernie's arms were wrapped tightly around her shoulders, squeezing her in a warm hug.

Serena slid her arms around Bernie's waist, tentatively feeling the softness of Bernie's coat and the shape of Bernie’s hips beneath her fingertips. She reciprocated the squeeze briefly before Bernie let go, turning her attention back to the game in time for the final whistle. 

Serena didn't even hear the whistle, her body still tingling from Bernie's touch and her heart racing in her chest. 

"That's it!" Bernie exclaimed as the players left the pitch and she turned back to Serena. 

Serena smiled, feeling as though she should have some sort of assessment to make of the match but not really knowing what would be the right thing to say. 

"Pub?"

"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm in work early tomorrow, I should head home." Serena replied apologetically, wanted to stay but knew after last night’s restlessness she couldn’t afford to miss out on anymore sleep. She’d need to be top of her game tomorrow to be back to running AAU single-handedly.

"No worries. I'll walk you to the train station." Bernie offered. "I can get the bus home from there."

Serena nodded her agreement and they made their way back to the station with the crowds. "I owe you a birthday drink then sometime?" She asked as they walked together, surprised at her boldness, nervous as she awaited Bernie’s reply. 

"Honestly just having you come to the footy with me has been really nice," Bernie replied, "but if you feel like you want to buy me a drink sometime I wouldn't refuse."

They eventually reached the station and Serena turned to look at Bernie, suddenly unsure of how to say goodbye. Should they hug? Shake hands? Just walk off? Last night’s imaginary kiss flashed through her mind and she felt her stomach somersault at the idea of pressing her lips to Bernie’s.

"Thank you again," Bernie spoke, "I've had a lovely birthday."

"Thank you for inviting me." Serena replied sincerely, touched that Bernie had asked her to come along, pleased that Crystal Palace had won if only because it meant she got to see Bernie so happy. 

There was a pause between them as Bernie seemed to shift nervously on her heels before she eventually spoke, her voice soft. "See you, Serena." She smiled before turning to head to her bus stop.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments & kudos make me so happy! Thank you! :)

**Chapter Four**

Working on AAU felt strange without Bernie there, Serena’s surgery with Raf was successful but lacked the fluidity and ease of working with Bernie. Serena had ended up snapping at him when he’d asked a question too many about the procedure, a question Serena could only think Bernie would have known the answer to instinctually. She’d ended up going to find Raf once they’d both left theatre and apologising for her tone - an apology which had surprised him but hadn’t done anything to rid Serena of her irritable mood. She missed Bernie, despite only having seen her at the football match last night, her own awareness of her feelings for Bernie now undeniable and tortuous. Somehow not having Bernie around at all only made it worse.  

As she drove home that night she debated cancelling her date with Charlie, Ric’s golfing friend, but couldn’t bring herself to face the guilt of having to tell Ric and Elinor she hadn’t gone, could imagine Ric telling her some awful story about Charlie missing her text and waiting for her in the cold for hours. Serena decided that if she got there and hated him she could always come up with some story about an emergency at the hospital and make her escape.

Once home, Serena showered and changed into a black shift dress and heels, pulling a white blazer on and pearl earrings. It was ten minutes before her taxi was due to pick her up and take her into town and not long enough to make any last minute outfit changes now. This would have to do. She looked at herself up and down in her full length mirror, tidying up her hair and smoothing out the hem of her dress against her bare legs.

Despite the nagging voice in her head that told her she was two sizes too big, and about 15 years too old, to wear such an outfit, Serena forced a smile to herself. She had just enough leg and cleavage on show to attract an eye or two, imagined if Charlie had a pulse he would at least notice. She wondered if Bernie would notice, let her mind drift to how she would feel if it was Bernie that she were meeting with tonight rather than a man, the thought of Bernie’s eyes raking across her body making her blush. The sound of the taxi outside pulled Serena from her thoughts and she grabbed her clutch bag, saying her goodbyes to Jason before leaving the house. 

Twenty minutes later Serena was handing over a £10 note to the taxi driver and stepping out of the vehicle to look up at the three-storey bar, its fancy italic logo and unnecessarily large windows screaming  _pretentious_. 

“Serena Campbell?”

The deep male voice to her side made Serena look around and her eyes landed on a tall, clean shaven man with dark, floppy hair, and electric green eyes. Serena figured he must have been a little younger than her, his hair only lightly speckled with grey flecks. He was wearing a suit and looked like he’d just come from work, but smelled like he’d bathed in some sort of sweet, aromatic oil that Serena couldn’t help but appreciate. “Yes. Are you Charlie?” She asked. 

“I am.”

Charlie took Serena’s hand, placing a lingering kiss to her skin. “Can I buy you a drink, Serena?”

Serena nodded and followed Charlie into the champagne bar, smiling warmly as he opened the door for her and pulled out a chair for her at the bar. He asked if she would like to order but she quickly handed the choice to him, knowing so little about what made a good champagne. She noticed, as Charlie leant against the bar, that his eyes moved from her heels up her legs and finally rested on her breasts for a split second before turning his attention to the waiter to place their drinks order. Serena couldn’t help but let a small smirk passed her lips that her choice in outfit had had the desired effect. Charlie ordered a bottle of champagne before finding a quiet booth at the back of the bar for him and Serena, turning his body towards her as he started his chosen, and only, topic of conversation - Serena.

By the time they were on their last glasses of champagne Serena realised she had barely learnt anything about Charlie, he had been so intent on hearing her talk about her life in America, how she’d come to be in Holby, how she now lived with her nephew. He had nodded along, laughed in all the right places, and gradually, Serena noted, had moved closer and closer to her in the booth until his arm, draped over the back of the seat, was nearly around her shoulders.

Serena could feel her heart beat a little faster at the realisation that they were now so close and that his eyes kept dropping down to study her lips. She entertained the idea of leaning in to kiss him, didn’t find him unappealing in the slightest but there was something niggling at her, making her insides feel tight and her heart feel heavy. Serena realised, as she felt Charlie’s fingers lightly graze the back of her neck, that although she was undecided about kissing him, he was very much decided on kissing her and within seconds he had leaned in, pressing his lips against hers gently.

She tensed, her mind suddenly filling with images of Bernie, and how she  _ wished _ it was Bernie she was sharing this evening with, sharing this kiss with. She scolded herself mentally - how would it _ever_ be Bernie? Bernie had shown no sign of being interested in Serena in such a way… Charlie however, whose tongue was gently seeking access to Serena’s mouth, was most definitely interested. She parted her lips, allowing his tongue to meet hers, hoping somehow that deepening the kiss would make her feel something other than the turmoil that built up inside her.

She felt him moan against her lips and felt her heart sink at the deepness of his voice, the roughness of the skin on his hand as his fingers travelled across her thigh. This was nothing like the soft, tender kiss she had imagined with Bernie, and Serena pulled away from him, knowing this wasn’t what she wanted. She couldn’t stay here with him, like this.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” She diverted her gaze to the table as she pulled her bag strap over her shoulder, unable to meet his eye, before sliding out of the booth and leaving the bar. She felt tears sting her eyes as she walked in search of a cab. She felt stupid, having spent the night flirting with an undeniable good looking and kind man to find out he wasn’t enough. He wasn’t Bernie Wolfe.

Serena managed to hold her emotions together during her taxi ride home, even managed to pop her head around the living room door and wish Jason goodnight, before she reached her bedroom, tears escaping down her face in spite of herself. She wiped her cheeks and stripped herself of her clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor. She felt like a schoolgirl, her feelings for Bernie pathetic, juvenile and, worst of all, entirely unrequited. She thought to herself that maybe she was set to spend the rest of her life alone after all. Emotionally exhausted, Serena quickly fell asleep, only to have her dreams plagued with thoughts of Bernie by her side in the bar, her mouth on hers and her fingers under her dress. 

* * *

 

The next morning Serena stood in the queue of Pulses, impatiently listening to the many people ahead of her order complicated drinks that sounded more like dessert than coffee. She felt as though she’d barely slept, having woken from her dream covered with a light sweat and filled angst over her feelings for Bernie and guilt that she had suddenly up and left Charlie in the bar last night, hadn’t even texted him to apologise properly.

“I’ll get this.” Bernie seemed to appear from nowhere, dressed in her grey Holby hoody and burgundy scrubs, a bright smile on her face. “If you’re alright to let me jump in the queue with you?”

“Sure.” Serena forced a weak smile, feeling a blush rise to her cheeks at the sight of her.

Bernie gave her a look of concern, “Fancy a chat?”

Serena shrugged. Bernie was the last person she should be talking to about this.

“Fancy a smoke?” Bernie tried a different angle.

Serena nodded, letting Bernie order them both lattes before following her up to the roof and taking a seat next to her on the metal steps of the fire escape. The step was narrow enough to force their bodies to touch, knees and shoulders brushing as Serena desperately tried to think about something other than the heat the spread across her body at the contact.

Bernie lit up a cigarette between her lips and passed it to Serena. “How was your date?” She asked. 

Serena was surprised Bernie had remembered when it was. “Not great.” She took a drag and let the smoke pass through her lips. 

“Was there something wrong with him?”

“Something like that.”

There was a pause as they sipped her coffee.

“He kissed me.” Serena blurted out, offering more information than she had intended but realising now, as she sat next to Bernie, how much she needed to talk to  _ someone _ . 

“Oh?” Bernie’s voice sounded flat as she played with the plastic of her coffee lid. 

Bernie’s lack of response made Serena confused, she had expected a barrage of questions about what had happened next but Bernie remained silent. “I kissed him back.” She continued.

“Oh.”

“Then I left him in the bar and went home.” Serena finished, not sure she felt any better or worse for having told Bernie. 

“You didn’t like him?”

“It’s not that…” Serena trailed off, looking for a reason other than  _ he wasn’t you. _ “He just wasn’t the right person.”  She finished the cigarette between her fingers as a brief silence fell over the two women. “Ric will be fuming when he finds out I ditched his friend.”

“You shouldn’t worry about Ric. Just do what’s right for you.” Bernie finally looked up from her coffee cup, her fringe falling over her eyes. 

“Well that’s it now, no more dates. I’m done with it all.” She stubbed the cigarette out against the metal of the fire escape steps, pocketing the stub to bin later. 

“Are you sure? There’s plenty more fish, as they say.”

“Oh I’m sure.” Serena sighed, pausing to run her hand through her hair, feeling a few knots from where she’d made a poor job of brushing it that morning. “I hope you gave your friend a hard time, by the way, the one that bailed on you last minute the other night? That’s no way to treat someone on their birthday.”

“She's not really a friend,” Bernie expression turned to one of anxiety as she bit her bottom lip briefly, diverting her gaze back to her coffee, “We...um… we've been trying to make things work since my divorce came through, to see if there's a possibility of a relationship now we’ve left the army.” She frowned as she closed her eyes as though the words were difficult to voice.

“Oh I see.” Serena tried to hide her surprise but could hear it in her voice in spite of herself. A woman. In the army. Bernie in a relationship with a woman. 

“It doesn't look like it can work,” Bernie continued, her voice a little quieter and more awkward than before, “we’re… we’re not the same people we were when we were on tour. She's not… I'm not… we’ve grown too far apart.” 

“I'm sorry to hear that, Bernie.” Serena replied, her heart aching that Bernie had been going through a tough time, had supportively listened to Serena go on about her failed love life with no expectation that Serena would offer the same support in return.

“So thanks for coming with me to the football” a small smile finally pulled at Bernie's lips, “I would have felt very much alone without you.”

“You're more than welcome.”

Bernie’s beeper broke the silence and she rose from the fire escape, “You could buy me that birthday drink later, if you like?”

“Sure. Come down to AAU when you finish your shift?”

Bernie nodded.

 

* * *

Serena was thankful that Ric didn’t appear in AAU to quiz her about her date with Charlie at any point during the day and she spent the majority her shift with her hands inside the stomach of a man who’d been a car crash that morning.  She was fairly pleased that she and Raf had managed to save the man considering the massive internal bleeding he’d been admitted with. By 6pm she was sat in her office with a coffee, finishing off a few bits of paperwork and occasionally checking the time on her computer, nervously wondering when Bernie would appear.

She’d barely had time to think about her conversation with Bernie earlier, had barely been able to think over Bernie’s revelation that she’d been dating a woman. Serena felt butterflies flutter in her stomach at the idea of Bernie being interested in women. Did that mean anything? Did it change anything between them?

“Hey, just me,” Bernie gave a little knock on the open door of Serena’s office, her coat on and her wavy hair loose from its usual ponytail. “Are you ready?”

Serena nodded, shutting off her computer, “Definitely.”

They walked over to Albie’s in silence, hands shoved in coat pockets and heads bowed to protect themselves from the cold night wind. Serena was glad as they reached the bar that Albie’s was fairly quiet that night and that they could perhaps share a drink together without interruption from one of their lovely, but currently not welcome, colleagues.

“Shiraz?” Bernie asked and Serena could only tilt her head and raise an eyebrow at such a ridiculous question. Of course it would be Shiraz. “Hey, I don’t know, you might be a champagne convert now!” Bernie shrugged jokily.

Serena shoved her lightly on the shoulder, “No thank you very much, definitely not.”

Bernie grinned at her before ordering two small glasses of wine and leading Serena over to a small two-seater sofa that was tucked away from most of the other tables. They rid themselves of their coats, slinging them over one of the ends of the sofa and sitting down together. Serena noted, with their bodies turned to each other and one of Bernie’s legs tucked underneath the other, that the sofa seemed to encourage them to sit a little closer than she would have anticipated - not that she was complaining.

“Good day?” Bernie asked.

Serena sipped her wine, “Not awful. You?”

Bernie pursed her lips, “Things on Keller aren’t quite as interesting as I had hoped. Since I went back up there after a few days on AAU… it all seems a little slow.” 

“You fancy coming back to the madhouse?”

Bernie let out a small laugh, “Maybe I do. Would you want me there?”

“I’d always be happy to have you around, if it’s what you want.”

Bernie’s eyes flickered with something Serena couldn’t recognise but she felt the tone of their conversation becoming more intense, somehow feeling deeper than a discussion as to where in the hospital Bernie would work. “What if it was? What would happen then?” 

“We can make it happen.”

“I just… I wouldn’t you to feel pressured to say yes...”

Serena reached out before she could stop herself, placing her hand on Bernie’s knee, her thumb brushing lightly over the material of Bernie’s jeans. “Bernie, believe me, I’d tell you if it wasn’t okay.”

Bernie gave a relieved smile before looking down at Serena’s hand on her knee. Serena felt herself tense that she hadn’t removed her hand yet, shouldn’t have made such a bold gesture in the first place, but before she could do anything Bernie’s fingertips were tentatively stroking over the back of her hand.  Serena felt her breath catch in her chest at the sensation of Bernie’s featherlight touch, her heart racing wildly in her chest as she swallowed hard, trying to control her emotions. 

Bernie’s fingers continued to move across Serena’s skin until she softly placed her hand atop of Serena’s, glancing up nervously to hold Serena’s gaze, her eyes searching for any objection Serena might have. Serena offered a warm smile in response, and they stayed like that, with Bernie’s hand over hers, as though it was the most natural thing in the world for them to do, as conversation turned to more generic hospital chatter and eventually wine glasses became empty and they parted their ways for the night. 

 

* * *

 

“Jason, I’m back - I’ve got dinner!” Serena called, pizza boxes in hand as she closed the front door behind herself and hung her coat onto a hook on the wall.

She still felt a lightness in her chest from her drink with Bernie. The memory of how Bernie’s hand had remained atop of hers made her heart swell. That Bernie wanted to come back to AAU to work alongside Serena made her feel even more giddy.  Yes, she told herself, Bernie’s hand on hers could be seen as an entirely friendly gesture but the hope that now fluttered in her chest was something she couldn’t, and didn’t want to, let go of.

Jason came bounding down the stairs from his bedroom, “You’re fifteen minutes later than you told me you would be.”

“There was a queue in the takeaway!” Serena protested lightly, “I can’t be on time all the time.”

“You can if you plan properly.” Jason retorted simply. 

“Alright, alright,” Serena passed him one of the boxes as they reached the kitchen, both taking a seat at the dining room table and opening the cardboard to reveal a combination of steaming dough and cheese that made Serena’s stomach rumble with anticipation.

“I think I’d like to get a job.” Jason spoke as he started on his first slice.

“You already have a job, Jason.”

“No, a  _ proper _ job. Working two days a week at the grocers isn’t a proper job.”

“What’s brought this on?”

“Well now I’ve finished university I feel I should be contributing, as the man of the house.”

Serena laughed, touched that he would feel he needed to do anything other than just  _ be _ , “If you want to, then you should go for it, but you don't owe me anything by being here, Jason.” 

“I was thinking I would get a job at the hospital, with you.”

“Oh right, well I can talk to HR and see if there’s anything coming up?” Serena felt a little confused as to why Jason would want to work at Holby - it wasn’t exactly the most thrilling environment to be in 40 hours a week or more. 

Jason grinned, satisfied with her response. 

They ate a little in silence before Serena spoke again, the thought not entirely formed in her mind, but her heart full of bravery from Bernie's touch and ready to broach the subject. “One of the women I work with told me today that she had been dating a woman.”

“And?” Jason asked, nonchalant. 

“I just didn’t expect her to…” 

“To be a lesbian?” 

“Something like that.”

The pause that followed made Serena feel incredibly awkward and she shifted in her chair, despite Jason seeming entirely not bothered about the discussion.   “What do you think of that?” She finally asked.

He shrugged, “Does it really matter who loves who?” 

Serena smiled, proud of the boy she had never known as he had grown up, that he had become such an understanding and kind man. 

“Why? Do you kiss girls now Auntie Serena?”

The question made Serena pause, pizza slice in hand. “Would it bother you if I did?”

“No.”

“Maybe I do… or at least will… at some point. I don’t know… I think so. Yes, I probably do, Jason.” She felt flustered as she tried to respond, the revelation sounding odd on her lips but a sense of peace washing over her as she finished her reply.

Yes, she did kiss girls, and maybe, just maybe, she would kiss Bernie Wolfe. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've re-written this about seven times and I'm still not 100% happy with it, maybe I've just stared at it too long! I hope it's okay. Thanks for continuing to read this x

**Chapter Five**

 

“Any plans for the weekend?” Bernie asked, having stopped by Serena’s office with coffee and pastries, somehow just when Serena was thinking she was in serious need of a pick-me-up, twelve hours into today’s double-shift.

Bernie sat perched on Serena’s desk, hands wrapped around her coffee cup, an empty pastry bag at her side from the croissant they’d shared a few minutes earlier.

They hadn’t seen each other for three days, since they’d shared a drink at Albie’s and Bernie’s hand had caressed Serena’s, a memory that still made Serena’s stomach somersault. Serena had spent every shift since then inundated with halloween and firework related injuries, taking as much overspill from ED as AAU could bear but knowing it was only going to get worse in the lead up to Christmas party season. Today’s double-shift felt like a feat of endurance, the thought of tomorrow’s day off and Bernie’s gift of breakfast were the only things keeping her going.

“Jason wants to take a girl to the firework display tomorrow,” Serena replied, taking a sip of her coffee and closing her eyes in appreciation of the taste, “but I’ve never met her and he has no idea where the display is, I suggested I would go with him to make sure he’s safe and we’ve had a bit of a falling out about it all. I’d just feel much better going with them even if I stand on my own like a lemon.” She felt frustrated that she and Jason weren’t seeing eye to eye about this, having seriously disagreed with him so few times before. Elinor had never bothered to ask about this stuff, had slipped out of her bedroom window and done what she liked, never giving Serena the chance to be so over-protective.

“I could go with you?” Bernie suggested, her attention falling to a loose thread on her scrub top that she twirled around her finger as she spoke, “then it perhaps wouldn't feel like you were only there to accompany him?”

“That’s very kind of you to offer… I'm afraid it’ll be awfully dull.” Serena felt a little guilty, as though her complaint was some sort of request for company, although she had never intended it to sound that way. She wanted nothing more than Bernie to go with her.

“I’d like to come. Haven’t been to anything like that since Cam and Charlotte were kids, it’d be fun to go again.” The hopeful smile Bernie offered through her fringe as she raised her eyes to meet Serena’s gaze was all the reassurance Serena needed.  

Serena smiled. “Alright then, meet us there about 8?”

Bernie’s phone beeped loudly in her pocket and she pulled it from her pocket, “Dom says he’s sending out a search party if I’m not back in five minutes,” she laughed, slipping her body from the desk and placing her feet down on the ground, “better go. See you tomorrow.”

Fuelled by caffeine, pastry and the thought of spending tomorrow night with Bernie, Serena found the rest of her shift flew by and she managed to get home in time to get dinner in the oven before Jason came home from work.

“I’ve found a solution to our disagreement.” She spoke as she twirled her spaghetti round her folk.

“You’re not coming?” Jason asked, his voice containing a glimmer of hope.

“I’m still coming, Jason, but I’m bringing a friend from work with me. I’ll still be around if you need me but we’ll be off doing our own thing.”

“That’s a much better plan than before.” Jason agreed. “Who is your friend?”

“She’s called Bernie. She’s a trauma surgeon.”

“Is she the lesbian you told me about?”

Serena frowned at the directness of Jason’s question, although it wasn’t like she spoke about the people she worked with very often, was only logical for him to assume it would be the same woman she mentioned the other day. “Yes.”

“I’ve not been on a double date before.”

“This isn’t a double date. Bernie is a friend, Jason.” Serena could feel the heat rise on her cheeks. Was she really that transparent?

“There's nothing wrong with being friends with someone you date, Auntie Serena.”

“It's not a date, Jason… just please… please don’t say anything like that around her tomorrow.” She imagined Bernie would find the idea of dating her hilarious, would laugh it off as an absurd joke. Serena felt her heart twinge with sadness at the thought.  She pushed her half-eaten dinner away from her - too exhausted to try and raise the food to her lips anymore. Sitting back in her chair, she watched as Jason finished his dinner before washing up their dishes and making her way to bed.

 

* * *

 

Most of Serena’s clothes had made their journey from the wardrobe to Serena’s body and then into a heap on the floor by 7:45pm and Serena could feel herself become more and more frustrated with herself, feeling painfully conscious over every curve in her body that she wished was a little smaller or every wrinkle in her face that her expensive night cream had failed to remove as it had promised. She had felt nervous about this evening as soon as she’d woken up that morning, her mind filling with images of kissing Bernie as fireworks went off around them, like they were in some sort of cheesy 90s romance film. Serena found the more she tried to dismiss the idea the more it persisted, making her stomach flutter and coil with longing.

“Auntie Serena, we need to leave soon!” Jason called from downstairs.

“Just five minutes!” She called back, running a deep red lipstick over her lips, despite still only dressed in her underwear. She quickly found a shirt that matched the shade of her lipstick and pulled on a pair of slim jeans and black heeled ankle boots. Taking one last glance at herself in her mirror, she made a disgruntled noise at the sight of herself, before heading downstairs to Jason and his date, Jessica.

It turned out, as the three of them walked towards the large park where the fireworks display was being held, that Jessica was a perfectly nice person, had worked with Jason at the grocers for the last year and was finishing her degree in history this year. Serena felt a little foolish for having been so protective over her nephew, hoped he understood that it was only because she cared for him.

“What does Bernie look like?” Jason asked as the approached the park entrance, surrounded by other people headed the same way.

“Blonde.” Serena replied, her eyes scanning the faces of people around them. Perhaps she changed her mind? Decided she had better things to do with her Saturday night than spend it with Serena?

“Is that her?” Jessica asked, pointing slightly ahead of them to a woman dressed in a dark green parka, skinny black jeans and heavy army boots. The woman was shifting nervously on the spot, hands shoved in her coat and shoulders slightly hunched.

“Yes, that’s her.” Serena felt her heart leap, heading over to Bernie. “Hope we didn’t keep you waiting for long, Bernie.”

Bernie turned and upon recognising Serena, stepped forward to wrap her arms around Serena’s shoulders in a brief but firm hug. “I’ve only been here a few minutes.”

The feeling of Bernie pressed against her made Serena’s pulse quicken and she quickly collected herself as she felt Jason and Jessica approach behind her. “Bernie, this is Jason and Jessica.” She introduced them, noting how Jason looked knowingly between Bernie and her as though he had just solved a puzzle in his head.

“Nice to meet you both.” As Bernie shook Jason and Jessica’s hands Serena was sure she could detect a touch of nerves in Bernie’s voice, her smile a little unsure and her motions a little awkward. Why would Bernie be nervous? Before she had time to ponder it too deeply Jason had turned to her.

“We’re going to buy burgers now,” he said, “what time will you be finished?”

“Shall we meet back here at 10?” Serena suggested and, satisfied with the proposed time, Jason and Jessica headed off into the park hand-in-hand.

“They’re sweet.” Bernie smiled as they began to walk towards the park once Jason and Jessica were out of sight.

“She’s going to break his heart.”

“That’s a bit bleak.” Bernie laughed.

“Sorry, I think my view of relationships has turned a bit sour of late.”

“Perhaps I could tempt you to a mulled wine by the bonfire? See if I can warm your cold heart?” Bernie teased.

Serena laughed and nodded her agreement despite knowing Bernie had already warmed her heart. Serena thought she probably had done from the moment she had laid eyes on her in the hospital car park those weeks ago.

The park was filled with people, food vans and the biggest bonfire Serena had seen since she had visited a bonfire display as a child. People stood around the fire in a large circle, warming their hands or toasting marshmallows on long sticks. She and Bernie bought cups of mulled wine from a nearby vendor and joined the crowd around the fire, the heat a welcome relief from the cold air as it warmed their faces.

“I was thinking about what you said the other night,” Serena was the first the break the comfortable silence between them as they stood and sipped their wine, “that you said you’d be interested in moving down to AAU?” She hadn’t planned to bring it up again, but it had played on her mind that Bernie may have mentioned it as a passing thought more so than a serious suggestion the other night, and she felt an urge to know either way.

Bernie nodded. “I remember.”

“Are you still interested?”

“I am,” Bernie averted her gaze to the fire, “I just… I don’t want to it to affect us.” She looked nervous and Serena longed to know what was going on inside her head. What did she mean by _us_? Did Bernie feel something other than friendship for her too?

“It shouldn’t, should it?” If anything Serena anticipated working alongside each other would make them closer. She felt her pulse quicken a little at the thought of being closer to Bernie, in more ways than one.

“No, I don’t suppose it would.” Bernie’s eyes met hers again, the nervousness in her expression dissipating as she seemed to find reassurance in Serena’s words.

“We could talk to Hanssen tomorrow if you like?”

Bernie smiled before turning her attention to the crowds as they began to move away from the bonfire. “I think the fireworks are about to start.”

Serena walked with Bernie, following the crowds until they joined the back of the large group that had gathered just in time to see the first firework of the night shoot up into the air with a loud whistle followed by a bang so loud it seemed to echo, a stark contrast to the peaceful hum of people and crackle of the bonfire that evening.

“I forgot how beautiful fireworks were.” Bernie spoke, her hand around Serena’s waist as she leant in to be heard over the sound of the proceeding fireworks, her breath warm against Serena’s ear.

“Yes, they are rather.” Serena breathed, the sensation of Bernie’s breath on her skin and arm around her making her feel weak.

Bernie’s arm left its position around Serena's waist, her hand falling between them and meeting Serena's so lightly that Serena wondered if the contact was an innocent consequence of their bodies being so close or had been an intentional move on Bernie's part. 

Serena didn’t move her hand away, the sound of her heart hammering in her chest combined with the whizzes and bangs of the fireworks that exploded ahead of them. Time seemed to slow down to a painful pace as she waited to see if Bernie would move her hand either and, the longer she waited, the more she considered the possibility Bernie’s touch may not have been accidental at all.

Filled with courage and praying that she wasn't about to overstep the mark, she moved her fingers a little closer to Bernie’s to feel the softness of Bernie’s skin and the neat curve of her fingernails. Serena kept her eyes on the fireworks as they exploded in different colours and shapes in the sky, too scared to look over at Bernie, fearing her eyes would be full of pity or anger at such an audacious move. She held her breath in her chest nervously for what felt like a lifetime, almost giving up hope that Bernie would react at all, until suddenly she felt Bernie’s fingers curl around hers, holding Serena's fingers against her own gently.

Eventually, but much sooner than Serena would have liked, the last fireworks went up into the air, exploding into a shower of pink, green and blue sparks. A few people applauded happily and within seconds the crowds had begun to dissipate, Serena and Bernie's fingers parting as they walked back towards the park entrance to meet Jason and Jessica. 

“Would you like to come back to mine? For a glass of wine before you go home? It’s still early.” The proposal left Serena's lips in an anxious flurry before she'd had time to worry that the house currently looked like a bomb of Jason's Dr Who magazines and her hospital paperwork had exploded inside it. She wasn't ready for this evening to be over, wasn't ready to say goodbye. 

"Oh how can I resist good company and free wine?" Bernie smiled. "I'd love to." 

* * *

 

 

Jason spent the walk home telling Bernie how he felt anything containing gunpowder was better suited to a battlefield rather than a supermarket aisle. Bernie had listened, nodded along, debated the issue with Jason until they were all finally back at the house and Jason called for a taxi to take Jessica to her home.

Serena unbuttoned her coat and hung it up in the hall as she and Bernie headed towards the kitchen. She was thankful she’d left the central heating on whilst they’d been out, the warmth of the house making a pleasant change from the November weather.  

“You have a lovely home.” Bernie commented, taking her coat off and putting it over the back of one of the dining chairs.

Serena couldn’t help but note, as she turned from the kitchen counter with a bottle of wine in her hand, that Bernie was wearing a slim fitting white t-shirt that hinted at the muscles in her stomach and clung to her biceps. She swallowed hard, forcing her eyes to move upwards to Bernie’s eyes and blushed as she realised Bernie had noticed where her gaze had been.  “Shiraz okay?” she asked, her voice a little unsteady.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” Bernie smiled, heading closer to Serena to accept the glass being poured for her.

Serena took her first sip of the wine, hoping the alcohol would settle her nerves. “Let’s sit down, we’ve been stood up all night, my feet are aching.” She moved to to sit at the large kitchen table, smiled when Bernie took the chair next to hers.

“So do you think next time you might let Jason and Jessica go out by themselves?” Bernie asked.

Serena let out a laugh, “I think in hindsight I probably was being a little _too_ protective, Jason had every right to be annoyed at me.”

“You care about him. I’m sure he understands really.”

“Well, thank you for stepping in, you saved my day. ” Serena’s eyes dropped to study her wine glass as she felt herself blush.

“I wanted to. Not to fix a family argument or see the fireworks, although both were welcome… I... I just...“

Serena glanced up as Bernie’s words trailed off.

“I wanted to spend time with you, Serena.” Bernie bit her bottom lip, her brown eyes full of uncertainty.

“I'm glad you came.” Serena replied, her breath shallow in her chest as she watched Bernie’s gaze fall to her lips, felt the urge to kiss her build in her chest.

“Jessica has gone home, I’m off to bed.” Jason’s voice broke the moment, his head popped around the kitchen doorframe.

“Alright, night Jason.” Serena turned to smile at her nephew, her heart sinking at the loss of the moment between Bernie and her.

“I should go too.” Bernie stood from her chair, downing the rest of her wine and placing the empty glass on the table.

“I’ll call you a cab?” Serena offered, worried that Bernie was leaving because of her. 

She shook her head, pulling her coat on, “It's okay. I can get the bus.”

“Let’s talk to Hanssen first thing?” Serena asked, walking with Bernie to the front door.

“Alright.”

They both stood in the porch silently, awkwardly both waiting for the other to say goodbye but neither sure quite what to do.

“Night then.” Serena finally spoke, and before she could talk herself out of it, she leant in and pressed a feather-light kiss to Bernie’s cheek, the sensation of Bernie’s skin against her lips making them tingle. She pulled back to see Bernie’s eyes were closed, her cheeks a little red and her lips parted ever so slightly. Serena felt as though her heart had stopped entirely at the sight.

Bernie opened her eyes, her pupils dilated and dark. “See you tomorrow.” She replied, before turning and heading out into the night.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry in the delay in getting this chapter up, I've had it mostly done for a couple of weeks and then life interfered! :( I hope the content makes up for the wait. 
> 
> Thank you for continuing to read this. It is one of the nicest things to read your comments, I appreciate every single one.
> 
> Hopefully another update will come your way next week! :)

**Chapter Six**

 

Serena had been up half the night trying to form a coherent speech in her head for Hanssen, knowing he wouldn’t go to the effort of permanently moving a consultant from one ward to another without a sensible reason, but truth be told the thought of speaking to Hanssen hadn’t been the only thing that had kept Serena awake.

Serena’s mind kept replaying memories of last night, how Bernie’s fingers had entwined with her own as they had watched the firework display and then, as they’d sat drinking wine together in the kitchen, how Bernie’s eyes had fallen to her lips. Serena knew if she’d stayed in bed that her fingers would have slid into her knickers at the thought of what might have happened if they hadn’t been interrupted. She wasn’t sure she would ever be able to face Bernie again if she had let herself succumb to the desire that ached inside her, that still made her skin feel sensitive against the cotton of her pyjamas.

And so, she had sat on the sofa, a cup of coffee in her hands until daylight poured through the living room windows. She didn’t even realise, until she heard Jason start to move around upstairs, that she hadn’t taken a single sip of her coffee, the full mug cold against her palms. “What are you doing to me, Bernie?” She whispered to herself.

* * *

 

Serena hadn’t been in the hospital five minutes before she ended up bumping into Bernie as they passed each other in one of the many winding corridors between AAU and Keller.  “Bernie.” She clutched the files in her hands a lighter tighter as she felt a rush of excitement across her body at the sight of her, her knees a little weak at the intensity she saw Bernie’s eyes.

“Serena, hi.”

“How are you?” The air between them felt awkward and heavy, Serena’s eyes finding it hard to focus on anything other than Bernie’s perfect, rosy lips and how they might have felt against her own last night.

“F--fine. You?” Bernie’s hands were shoved in her scrub pockets, her eyes anywhere but on Serena.

“Great.” A moment’s silence passed between them before Serena spoke again.  “Do you… do you want to talk to Hanssen?”

“I do,” Bernie’s eyes finally met hers, “do you?”

Serena nodded, “no time like the present?"

The lift ride together up the Hanssen’s office felt like it lasted for years, Serena trying to focus her mind on the folders in her hands or the way the metal of the lift had been soldered so neatly at the joins, anything other than how much she wanted to push Bernie up against one of the sides of the lift and crush her lips with her own. By the time the lift pinged and the doors opened Serena could feel herself breathe a sigh of relief in spite of herself.

“I don’t really know what to say.” Bernie admitted just as they approached Hanssen’s office.

“I’ve got this.” Serena assured her with a small smile before knocking on the door.

“Come in.” He called, his head raising from the paperwork on his desk as Serena poked her head around the door.

“Sorry to interrupt, don’t suppose you happen to have five minutes?” She asked.

Hanssen gave a single, silent nod and the two women entered the office, coming to stand awkwardly side by side in front of his desk.

“We have a proposal for you.” Serena started.

“I’m listening.”

“You see… The thing is…” She cleared her throat, nerves getting the better of her as she tried to find the words she had formed in the early hours that morning, “Henrik, Ms Wolfe is the one of the most talented surgeons I have ever worked with. Her skills have proven to be of value to AAU and her knowledge of trauma goes far beyond my own. She would be an asset to the team and I’d--we’d like to propose a permanent move to AAU.” Serena tried to keep focus on Hanssen despite feeling Bernie’s eyes on her.

Hanssen’s eyes narrowed briefly at Serena, as though he were trying to figure her out, as though know he knew her reasons were deeper than professional. “Is this correct, Ms Wolfe? Is this what you want?” He asked.

“Yes, it is.” Bernie nodded.

“You make a convincing case for the move, Ms Campbell,” Hanssen took a sip of his green tea, as calm as ever, “I’m sure I can make the necessary arrangements. However, Ms Wolfe you will need to finish your duties on Keller and handover any patients before you move.”

Bernie nodded her understanding.

“Is that everything?” Hanssen asked, a sign that he was ready for the conversation to be over.

Serena and Bernie nodded in unison and quickly left his office, waiting until they were in the lift before their eyes briefly met before focusing back on anything but each other.

“That seemed to go well.” Bernie was the first to speak.

“Yes, it did quite, didn’t it?”

There was a moment’s silence before Bernie spoke again, pulling at her own fingers as though she didn’t know what to do with her hands, “I don’t suppose you fancy dinner later? To celebrate?”

Serena didn’t think she’d ever heard of a better idea, both eager and terrified to spend time alone with Bernie again after last night. “Tonight?”

“My place?”

“Okay.” Butterflies filled Serena’s stomach at the nervous, hopeful smile they shared, eyes finally meeting properly for the first time since last night and silence falling between them as time seemed to pause, only to be finally broken by the lift doors opening on Keller. Bernie left the lift, turning to offer a last smile before the doors closed and the lift carried on its journey down to AAU.

 

* * *

 

After nine painfully slow hours Serena finished her shift, trudging from theatre back to her office, scrub cap bunched up in her tired hands. She’d spent the last two hours performing a double-leg amputation on a girl not much older than Elinor. Her stomach was twisted in misery at it all, how she wished she had been able to help more.

“Hey.” Bernie’s smile disappeared as soon as Serena entered her office to see Bernie sat on the desk, waiting for her.

“Hey, sorry I’m later than I thought I’d be.” Serena couldn’t keep the sadness from her voice, closed her eyes as she shut the office door behind her. She heard Bernie move from the desk and within seconds had Bernie’s arms around her tightly.

“You did your best, Serena.” Bernie soothed, her hand rubbing at Serena’s back slowly. 

Serena let her body relax into Bernie’s arms, her head resting on her shoulder and her arms squeezing back.

“How about I drive? If you’re still alright to come over for dinner?” Bernie asked after a few moments silence, pulling away from the hug to check Serena’s expression.

Serena nodded. “Yes, please.”

Once Serena had showered and changed, the drive to Bernie’s house only took fifteen minutes or so. The increasing distance away from the hospital and Bernie’s entertaining tales about Keller seeming to bring Serena some relief from a tough afternoon and she felt the tension in her shoulders fade and her smile brightening, so very thankful Bernie was there.

“I haven’t been here very long, haven’t had much of a chance to unpack,” Bernie explained as they left her car in the small car park adjacent to her apartment block. They headed inside and down a long, bright white corridor before reaching a painted blue door that matched every other door Serena had seen in the building, the only difference was a roughly scribbled _39_ that had been added in marker pen above the doorbell. “You’ll have to excuse the mess.”

Bernie’s home was small, entered straight into a living/kitchen space that was filled with boxes that had never been unpacked and stacks of medical books with worn spines and torn edges. The walls were a light shade of grey, complemented by the dark grey carpet that seemed to cover every room. There was minimal furniture but what was there was plush and looked brand new.

Bernie kicked off her shoes and hung her coat up on a hook near the door, holding out her hand to take Serena’s coat and hanging that up too as Serena placed her shoes next to Bernie’s, enjoying the feeling of the thick carpet beneath her sock-covered feet.

“I just need to freshen up, make yourself comfortable.” Bernie motioned towards the kitchen area where two bar stools were placed next to the counter, before disappearing down the one corridor that came off the room.

Serena took a seat on one of the bar stools, surveying the space around her as she realised quite how fast her heart was beating. She felt nervous to be in Bernie’s home, more so than when Bernie had been in hers last night. Although she granted herself, Bernie inviting her around for dinner was different to Serena inviting her around for a single glass of wine. Dinner felt... _intimate_.

“Sorry, where were we?” Bernie reappeared, hair brushed and makeup reapplied. The realisation that Bernie had perhaps gone to such an effort for her made Serena’s stomach somersault, only adding to her nerves about what might happen between them that evening.

Bernie pulled a bottle of red wine from a cupboard in the kitchen and uncorked it, “I should have mentioned earlier that I’m pretty hopeless in the kitchen. I hope the wine makes up for it.” She poured herself and Serena a glass each.

“I’m sure whatever you make will be fine.” Serena took a sip of the wine as Bernie turned to stare into her barely-stocked fridge.

“Carbonara alright?” Bernie asked.

“Perfect.”

It turned out Bernie was definitely hopeless when it came to cooking, the kitchen turning into a hectic mess as Bernie grumbled to herself occasionally, her apron seeing almost as much of the meal as the stove. Serena watched her as she cooked, making occasional conversation when she didn’t sense Bernie was concentrating too much, unable to hide the smile on her face that Bernie was going to all this effort for her, had wanted her to be _here_ , in her home, with her. Finally, dinner was ready and the two women moved over to sit at a small circular dining table in the corner of the kitchen, glasses of wine refilled and bowls brimming with pasta.

* * *

 

Conversation and wine flowed between them as they ate, Serena’s nerves dissipating as she settled in Bernie’s presence, in Bernie’s home, until finally they had finished their meal.

“These chairs are awful, I wish I'd never bought them,” Bernie grimaced as she cleared their bowls from the table to the nearby kitchen counter, one hand sliding down her back, rubbing at the base of her spine briefly, “do you mind if we move?”

“No, no, of course not.” Serena topped up their glasses with the remainder of what was left in the wine bottle before following Bernie from the dining table to the small sofa.

Once they were both sat down Bernie pulled her lighter from her jeans pocket to light the large ivory candle on the coffee table in front of them, a lamp across the room their only other source of light. “That’s better.” She smiled as she leant back against the sofa, tucking a leg under herself as she turned her body to face Serena, glass of wine in hand.

“You don’t have any photos.” Serena commented, having glanced around the room as Bernie had been lighting the candle. The words had left her mouth before she had a chance to catch herself and she felt herself tense that Bernie’s lack of photographs might be intentional, perhaps not wanting to be reminded of a shattered family.

“Hmm,” Bernie took a sip of her wine before placing her wine glass down, taking her phone from her back pocket, “I have photos on my phone…”

Serena’s breath became shallow as Bernie moved a little closer, angling her phone so that Serena could get a clear view of the screen.

“This is Charlotte and Cameron when they were little,” Bernie explained, navigating through her photostream to show a photo of two young kids in a field, arms wrapped around each other and not a care in the world, “they’re not quite so charming now.” She let out a laugh as she flicked through to another photo of two adults, still smiling but not quite as carefree as before.

“They look just like you.” Serena replied, placing her wine glass down to move in a little closer, wanting to get a better look at the image but also daring herself to close what gap remained between them.

“Charlotte is definitely mostly Marcus, but Cameron… he looks a bit like my dad did.”

“You must be proud of them, both at university…”

“I’m not sure I know them enough to say I am? Is that a terrible thing to say?”

Serena reached out to brush her thumb over Bernie’s t-shirt-covered bicep, squeezed her arm reassuringly. “It’s better to be honest.”

“Honest… if only I’d been honest with myself when I woke up on my wedding day and knew, deep down, what I was doing was against everything I truly felt. What a different life I’d have now.” Bernie sipped her wine, looking off away from Serena as though she were reliving the memory in her mind.

“A better life?”

Bernie’s attention came back to Serena as she gave a small shake of her head. “I wouldn’t change anything... if it meant having to change this,” She paused, eyes anxious and expressing a deeper meaning to her words that made Serena’s breath catch in her chest, “Would you?”

Serena couldn’t tear her eyes away from Bernie’s, searching for anything in Bernie’s words or expression that could give her more confidence in the response she was forming in her mind. She felt as though the air between them was so fragile that one sharp breath or sudden movement could break everything between them. “I wouldn’t change anything either.”

Bernie’s gaze flittered around the room, her nervousness increasingly bubbling to surface as she bit her bottom lip, fingers playing awkwardly in her lap. “I--I liked holding your hand the other night, Serena,” she finally spoke, “when we were watching the fireworks.”

The confession sent Serena’s heart soaring and she remained silent as she stayed focused on Bernie, sensing she had more to say.

“I’ve missed it.”

Serena felt a relieved breath leave her body for the first time in minutes, her hand tentatively meeting with Bernie’s as she laced their fingers together. She watched as her fingers stroked over Bernie’s skin, felt reassured as Bernie’s hand squeezed hers back.

“Serena…” Bernie’s voice fell to just a whisper but was enough to pull Serena’s attention from their joined hands back to Bernie’s eyes to see Bernie’s gaze firmly on Serena’s lips.

Aching to feel more of Bernie’s skin against her own, Serena’s free hand came up to tuck a stray lock of golden hair behind Bernie’s ear, letting her fingers pause against Bernie’s cheekbone as she did so. Bernie’s eyes closed at the contact, her lips parting as a soft breath escaped them.

Serena took the opportunity to briefly study the freckles across Bernie’s cheeks, the touch of eyeshadow on her now closed eyelids, the shape of her beautifully pink lips. The sight of her gave Serena the courage to lean in and finally, and ever so gently, press her lips to Bernie’s.

Their kiss felt as though it was over before it had even really begun as Serena began to pull away, terrified that somehow she may have misread the situation.  They were barely inches away from each other before Bernie was leaning back into her, desperate for more, and Serena smiled as their lips met again, this time hungrier and more confident. She let her fingers slide from Bernie’s cheekbone and into her hair, moved her body closer to feel Bernie’s breasts press against hers.

Their laced fingers parted as Bernie’s hands moved around Serena’s waist to settle on her hips and pull at her shirt to bring her closer still.  Bernie’s lips were so soft against her own and Serena could feel her body throb with want, desperate for more and more and everything Bernie could give.

As they shared slow, open mouthed kisses that both seemed to last for an eternity and nowhere near long enough Serena wished she didn’t need to breathe, that she could just keep kissing Bernie until the end of time. Her body trembled under Bernie’s touch as they nervously explored each other’s bodies over the material of their clothes, Bernie’s hands coming up to cup Serena’s breasts through her shirt, Serena arching her back to meet Bernie’s touch, moaning at the sensation.

Their kiss became hungrier still, Serena’s hands sliding under the back of Bernie’s t-shirt, fingers scraping down each vertebrae and soaking up the warmth of Bernie’s bare skin. Eventually they parted, breaths heavy, and Bernie guided Serena’s head against her chest as she leaned back on the sofa.

Serena lay there, listening to the sound of Bernie’s heart begin to slow before her eyes settled on the clock on the wall and she groaned at the sight of the time. “I need to go, Jason will be expecting me, it’s late.”

Bernie’s fingers, that had been playing gently with Serena’s hair, stilled on her shoulders, “I should call you a taxi.”

“I wish you didn’t have to.” Serena whispered.

Within ten minutes both women were stood on the doorstep of Bernie’s flat, shivering a little at the night breeze as they waited for Serena’s taxi.

“I think that’s it arriving now.” Serena spoke as car headlights lit up the darkness of the car park.

“Night, Serena.” Bernie took Serena’s hand in hers and leant in to kiss her, sliding her hands inside Serena’s coat so that her fingers could trail over the curves of her hips before pulling her closer.

Serena felt as though her whole body were humming with pleasure as Bernie’s tongue met with hers, only parting at the sound of the taxi beeping its horn to sound its presence.

“Night.” Serena rested her forehead against Bernie’s briefly, trying to sear the feeling of Bernie’s body against her own to her memory. She felt Bernie’s lips meet hers one last time, tender and lingering, before they finally parted.

* * *

 

With Bernie off the next day, Serena spent her shift on AAU tidying up her office and the nurse’s station before briefing Raf and Fletch on Bernie’s arrival tomorrow, unable to stop the blush that rose to her cheeks as she spoke of her. Serena was pleased she finished her work a little earlier than intended and found herself accepting an invitation to the pub from Ric as she had been packing up to go home. They found the last two remaining seats in Albie’s and Ric bought their drinks, wasting no time in bringing up Serena’s unsuccessful blind date.

“I hear your date with Charlie didn’t go particularly well.” He took a sip of his whiskey.

Serena cringed, “Ric, I’m sorry, I was completely out of order. I do feel awful about it.”

Ric let out a short laugh, “He was fairly confused, rang me up the other day and explained what happened. Not like you to be hot and cold on someone.” Ric raised an eyebrow, looking for more to the story.

“I just… he wasn’t right.”

“So is that it then, no more dating?”

Serena felt herself blush, a smile pulling at her lips before she could stop herself. God, she didn’t want to tell Ric about Bernie, but at the same time she absolutely did, no longer able to contain the happiness that spread through her at the memory of Bernie’s lips on hers last night.

“Oh!” Ric pulled his bar stool closer. “You are! Tell me more.”

Serena played with her necklace, nerves building. What would he say? Would he judge her? “It’s complicated.”

“When isn’t it?”

“It’s a work colleague, it’s someone you know.” Serena knew it was too late to go back now. Ric would never stop asking now he knew it was someone from work.

“Really? Let me guess… Not Hanssen?” Ric frowned.

“Oh stop it, no. Someone on AAU.” Well at least technically _soon_ to be on AAU.

“Younger?”

“No.”

“Oh come on, put me out of my misery. Who’s the lucky man?”

This was it. She was going to have to say it. In front of Ric… in front of a whole bar full of colleagues. She leant in, a little afraid of being overheard by someone who’d have spread her news across the hospital before she’d even turned up for work tomorrow. “Well… it isn’t a man...“

Ric looked surprised and Serena considered bolting from her chair, grabbing her coat and going home. Maybe she didn’t have to have this conversation after all. She could make something up tomorrow about being horrendously drunk and deny saying anything. No, she told herself, she’d come this far and she _wanted_ Ric to know. He was one of her closest friends, surely he wouldn’t react badly? “It’s Bernie.” She looked at him nervously.

Ric’s eyebrows raised, making no attempt to hide the wide grin on his face. “Well, that is not what I was expecting. Has anything happened… between you two?”

Serena felt herself blush again, unsure quite how much detail would be appropriate to share.  “I went to her house for dinner last night, she cooked me dinner… and we kissed.”

Ric grinned at her, “I’m happy for you, Serena. ”

“Are you?” Serena asked, feeling relief at his words.

He nodded, “I think it’s brilliant. Here’s to you and Bernie.” He raised his almost-empty glass, clinking it against Serena’s. “Now let me buy you another drink and you can tell me everything.”

* * *

 

“Hey stranger.” Bernie knocked on Serena’s office door, coming in and closing the door behind herself as Serena motioned for her to come in, rising from her chair to pull the blinds nearest to them.

“Welcome to the team.” She took Bernie’s hand in hers, moving backwards to sit on the desk, parting her legs to pull Bernie against her.

“Is this how you welcome all of your team? No wonder they stick around so long.” Bernie smirked as she leant in to capture Serena’s lips in a slow and tender kiss.

“Just the blonde, ex-army, outrageously beautiful ones.” Serena replied as their lips parted, unable to resist a softer, lingering kiss before she spoke again,“Are you doing anything tonight?”

“Hadn’t anything planned, why?” Bernie’s eyes sparkled at the realisation that Serena might be suggesting they spend time together.

“Do you fancy food and a film at mine? Jason is at Alan’s all night… you could even stay over, if you liked?” Serena could feel herself blush nervously at the suggestion. She had wondered, as she had driven into work with the question on her mind, if Bernie would feel like things were moving too fast between them, but god just the thought of Bernie’s naked body against her own made Serena feel as though she were a starving animal and Bernie was her prey. She _needed_ to taste her.

Bernie raised an eyebrow, smiling, “Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.”

 

* * *

  

Serena had only been on the ward for five minutes when the sight of a woman near the nurse's station caught her eye. The woman was tall and thin, and ran a hand through her short dark hair as she looked around the ward as though she were looking for someone in particular. Serena was pretty sure she would recognise most of her team's family and close friends and this woman certainly wasn't one of them. It wasn’t like strangers just randomly dropped in to AAU - who could she be looking for?

Serena watched as Bernie headed across the ward to approach the woman, asking questions that Serena wasn’t close enough to hear. The woman looked stressed by whatever Bernie had asked her, but it wasn’t until Serena was approaching, wanting to find out what was going on, that she saw the woman reach out for Bernie’s hand and hold it in her own and suddenly the pieces of a gut-wrenching jigsaw seemed to come together.

The realisation of what was happening in front of her, of who this woman was and what she wanted, made Serena feel as though the floor had dropped out from underneath her and she was falling, and as much as she wanted to run she felt unable to move from the position on the floor, now just a few feet away from Bernie and the woman.

“Serena,” Bernie turned to face her, her eyes full of anxiety and a guilt that made Serena’s stomach churn. “This is Alex.”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suddenly found all the words I needed this morning to finish this chapter so here it is! I also wrote half of the next chapter so I am really hoping to get that posted sometime over the next week. 
> 
> Thanks so much for sticking with this so far! Apologies for any typos etc, hopefully I've caught all of them. :)

**Chapter Seven**

Serena could feel herself pacing in spite of herself. She felt as though Bernie and Alex had been hours, had gone to the roof to talk but Serena had no idea what about. Butterflies danced in her stomach along with a sick churning feeling, her heart heavy and her mind racing. She played with her necklace as she paced, trying to come up with strictly-platonic reasons Alex would want to see Bernie, would reach out and hold her hand like that.

“Serena?” Bernie’s voice was shy, timid, as she entered the office and closed the door behind her.

“Bernie.” Serena spun on the spot next to Bernie’s chair, her mouth suddenly dry.

“Alex went home.”

Hope rose in Serena’s chest. Bernie must have told her to take a hike.

Bernie’s eyes focused only on the floor, her mouth opening and closing occasionally but no words coming out until eventually she said, “Alex has asked me to give things between us another go.  She said she’d made a mistake and shouldn’t have let me go, that five years together was too long to just give up on us.”

Serena had so hoped Bernie would turn down any suggestion Alex might make but here they were. The hope that had flashed in her chest died instantly but it only got worse as Bernie continued.

“Alex is going to work in Dresden at the end of the month, setting up a trauma unit and reworking their entire AAU ward. She said it’s a two person job. She wants me to go with her, to buy a house together...” Bernie’s voice was awkward as she trailed off, her eyes still focused on the office’s carpet.

Nausea filled Serena at realisation of Bernie’s words - she was asking for Serena’s permission to leave Holby City, and leave her. Serena was sure she would have felt less pain if Bernie had given her a lumbar puncture with a biro. “Obviously I’d rather you didn’t…” _I'd rather you didn't leave me. Please don't leave me._ The words hung on her lips, too afraid to voice them for fear of further exposing her heart when she already feared Bernie was about to smash it into a thousand pieces.

“Really?” Bernie looked up, surprised.

“Of course.” There was silence between them and Serena knew she would have to go on.

“I doubt we’d find a locum with your experience, we’ve only just finalised the paperwork with Hanssen for your move to the team.” The words tasted sour on Serena’s lips as she tried to make Bernie feel better about this - didn’t want her to feel guilty or that she had led Serena on and now she was leaving. She desperately just wanted Bernie to be happy despite how painful it was to let her go.

“Right.”

“Well, I mean, you both have such a history together...I obviously, I mean I couldn’t--wouldn’t try to stand in your way, if she’s what you really want.” _Please don’t say she’s what you want._

More silence.

“What about the other night?”

“We can draw a veil over all of that.” Serena replied.

“Right."

Serena broke their eye-contact, finding it too painful to look at Bernie any longer. She could feel tears prick her eyes and a lump forming in her throat, her breath shaking.

“I should get back to work.” Bernie motioned toward the door and with no response from Serena, left the office, closing the door behind her.

* * *

 

Serena wasn’t sure if she’d started with a full bottle of Shiraz but she had definitely reached the end of it and she tried to savour the last drop as it passed her lips. The tissue she held in her hand was a soggy mess and she threw it into a pile next to the sofa with the rest of them, unable to believe how many tears she had cried. 

She inhaled, her breath shaking, and curled her knees up to her chin. She wanted to sleep, wanted to put some distance away from today, but every time she closed her eyes all she could see was Bernie and Alex, probably enjoying their first night back together again. Just the thought made fresh tears spill down Serena’s cheeks and she ran her hand through her hair, exhausted with herself. She hadn't seen Bernie for the rest of their shift together, hadn't been sure if she had been avoiding Bernie or Bernie had been avoiding her but either way she was slightly grateful, not sure she could have coped to spend anymore time with her when things were so raw between them, so damaged. 

This was meant to be her first night with Bernie, the ingredients for a chicken pie sat in her fridge and a stack of DVDs she thought Bernie might like on her living room table. Serena cringed at how stupid she had been to think Bernie would ever choose her over Alex. Alex was beautiful and they’d been in love before, had spent years together. Why would someone like Bernie ever choose someone like her? Their kiss last night had obviously been a mistake, Bernie was probably relieved to see Alex turn up and save her from someone so ghastly.

Serena wrapped her arms around herself, uncomfortable at the feeling of her body beneath her touch. She wished she had more wine.

The sound of the doorbell made Serena jump and quickly got to her feet, the possibility that it might be Bernie making her heart race. She quickly tidied her hair as she approached the front door, wiped her cheeks to remove any sign of run mascara. Taking a deep breath, she pulled open the front door to see Elinor, a rucksack slung over her shoulder and a horrified look on her face.

“Have you been crying?” she asked, quickly making her way past Serena and into the house. “What’s been happening?”

“Ellie,” Serena could feel her heart sink back into the Bernie-shaped hole that now seemed to sit inside her, “what are you doing here?”

“I do still technically live here,” Elinor chucked her rucksack onto the floor in the living room, “and thought I’d come and surprise you. Have you drunk a _whole_ bottle of wine to _yourself_ ?"

Serena followed Elinor into the living room and slumped back onto the couch, unable to bring herself to argue.

“Has something happened at work?” Elinor asked, taking a seat next to Serena on the couch. 

“Ellie, darling, I don’t want to talk about it.” Serena sighed.

“Has someone hurt you, mum?” Elinor’s voice was thick was concern, her hand reached out and rubbed Serena’s back.

“No... I just... I thought someone wanted to be with me and it turns out they want someone else.”

“The guy you had a crush on?”

Serena closed her eyes, too tired to keep up the pretence over Bernie and unable to see how she could feel any worse if Elinor didn’t take it well. “It’s a woman, sweetheart. It’s a woman that I work with.” She kept her eyes closed, half-expecting to hear Elinor grab her bag and leave.

“Oh.”

“She’s not interested. I thought she was… but then… anyway, it’s over.” Another tear escaped down Serena’s face and she opened her eyes to try and blink away the others that threatened to fall.

“Well then she’s an idiot.” Elinor declared as she pulled Serena closer to her.

Serena was thankful Elinor didn’t question her sexuality, too tired to try and make sense of it herself. “She… Bernie… is only here for a few weeks anyway. Then I can just put this whole thing behind me.”

“People don’t just disappear from your mind when they leave the country, mum. It’s not that simple.”

Elinor’s words were painful to hear but Serena knew they were the truth. She wouldn’t be able to stop how she felt about Bernie no matter how many miles there were between them.

 

* * *

 

Serena had spent most of last night watching trashy horror films with Elinor, had fallen asleep on the sofa and found herself that morning with a blanket over her and a note from Elinor to say she’d gone into town but that she’d be home by the time Serena was back from work. 

Serena felt tense at the idea of going into the hospital, of seeing Bernie again. She debated taking the day off but worried that it would only add to any guilt Bernie might feel over how things were between them.  Arriving at work, she was thankful for the lack of a queue at Pulses and headed up to AAU with atrociously strong coffee in-hand before feeling a hand on her elbow, pulling her into an empty on-call room.

“Serena, I was looking for you.” Bernie looked tired and Serena couldn’t help but think any lack of sleep would have been down to Alex, a thought that churned her stomach and filled her body with jealousy.

“I’ve just got here.” Serena replied simply, trying not to let Bernie see how simultaneously overjoyed and heartbroken she was to see her.

The silence that surrounded them and the realisation they were alone made Serena anxious. She ached to hold Bernie’s hands and wrap her arms around her. For the first time since they’d met Serena felt so utterly disconnected from her.

“I wanted to ask… are--are you okay?” Bernie asked, her big brown eyes full of concern.

“Me? Oh yes, I’m fine.” Serena shrugged off the question, plastered a smile to her face and hoped the conversation would end as soon as possible.

“Would you tell me if you weren’t okay?” Bernie asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

Bernie looked confused, like she had been witness to something Serena now had no recollection of, and held Serena’s gaze, eyes searching hers.

What did Bernie expect her to say? Serena couldn’t bear to offer any more comfort to her.

“I’m going to hand my notice in to Hanssen today.”

The words knocked the wind out of Serena’s chest and she suddenly felt claustrophobic in the small on-call with room with Bernie’s penetrating eyes. “I’m very busy, Bernie, I really must get back onto the ward.” Pushing past Bernie, Serena headed out of the room and onto the ward, taking a deep inhale as she tried to steady her emotions and focus her mind on her work. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Serena.”  
  
Ric’s voice sounded down the corridor and Serena continued on walking, hoping he would think she hadn’t heard him. She knew what he wanted to talk about and she absolutely didn’t want to discuss Berenice bloody Wolfe.

“Serena, wait.” Ric’s hand touched her shoulder, having caught up to her.

She turned to look at him, noted the concern in his expression. “I’m busy, Ric. Whatever it is you want to talk about will have to wait.”

“I just checked your schedule and you’re not in theatre for two hours, so I think you can spare me a few minutes.” It wasn’t even a question and Serena frowned at his forwardness. He led her into a small, empty office near Keller and she took a seat on the small sofa next to him. “I’ve just heard from Hanssen that Bernie’s handed her notice in. What's happened between you two?”

“It’s… uh... “ Serena leant forward to place her head in her hands, unable to meet Ric’s eye as she felt herself become choked with tears, “h--her ex came back and she...she... decided she didn’t want to be with me. Sh--she.. she... wants Alex. She’s going to Ger--Germany.” her words were a mess of tears and shaking breaths, her shoulders starting to shake as much as she tried to stop herself.

“Oh, Serena.” Ric rubbed her gently soothingly. “Does she know you’re this upset about it? Have you spoken to her since?”

“I _let_ her go, Ric,” Serena wailed. “I _told_ her to go.”

“Are you sure it’s what she wants?”

“Of course it is,” she looked up at Ric through her tears, “of course she wants Alex, she’s young, she’s beautiful... she’s everything Bernie should have. She’s everything I’m not.”

Ric reached out, brushed his thumb over Serena’s cheek to wipe away her tears, “Serena, you’re beautiful and I’m sure Bernie thinks so too, it’s obvious from the way she looks at you.” he gave a small, warm smile.

"I _love_ her, Ric, I love her so much." She closed her eyes, remembering the feeling of being in Bernie's arms just a few nights ago, her head laid on Bernie's chest and Bernie's fingers in her hair. She had felt so safe and protected from the world in Bernie's embrace. She had felt so loved. 

“Then you can’t leave things like this between you, Serena, you’ll never forgive yourself if you don't talk to her properly before she leaves.”

Serena shook her head, “Ladening her with guilt won’t help anyone.”

“Surely you owe it to what two you have together to be truthful?”

“We don’t have anything anymore, Ric.” Serena replied dejectedly, wiping her eyes.

“Then you owe it to yourself, Serena.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always get so nervous about posting new chapters, I worry so much that you won't like what I've written but then I read your comments and they make me ridiculously happy. Thank you so much.
> 
> Super pleased I found the time to write another chapter this week, even though I should be writing an assignment for uni! Argh!

**Chapter Eight**

Weeks passed with an unrelenting tension that only continued to wear Serena down further. She and Bernie only seemed to meet in theatre where conversation was kept purely professional and neither spent a second longer with the other than necessary. Serena would occasionally see Alex pick Bernie up after work in her BMW, unable to tear her eyes away from the tender kisses they shared as they greeted each other.

Serena continued to tell herself that she’d done the right thing by letting Bernie go, knowing Bernie’s happiness was the most important thing to her, but couldn’t help but notice as she watched Bernie occasionally as they worked that Bernie didn’t seem happy at all. It was a thought that almost constantly played on her mind but one she felt powerless to do anything about, no longer having any right to involve herself in Bernie’s private life. 

Serena was thankful Elinor had stayed living with Jason and her, as though she knew Serena needed her support. They hadn’t discussed Bernie since the night she had come home, or any details surrounding Serena’s sexuality for that matter, had simply settled into spending time together, quietly watching films or doing crossword puzzles. Serena wasn’t sure what she would have done without Elinor there every evening to help take her mind off of the torment of being around Bernie all day.

Serena was scrubbing out of theatre one afternoon when Bernie entered the room, stood near to her in silence for a second as though she were trying to gauge Serena’s mood.  “I… uh… I’m having dinner at my house tomorrow night, a sort of early Christmas thing…I... as I won’t be here to celebrate Christmas for real.” Her words sounded uncomfortable and rehearsed, her weight shifting from her heels to the balls of her feet as she spoke.

Not here over Christmas? Like she needed reminding, Serena thought to herself bitterly. She continued to let the hot water spill over her hands, any sign of soap long since rinsed away.

Bernie continued, “I mean I know there’s the office Christmas party on Friday but I thought if I was inviting Charlotte and Cam to dinner anyway…“I’d really appreciate you being there, in case things don’t go well…it’ll be the first time I’ve seen them since the divorce.”

Serena felt a little indignant at Bernie’s request. Why _should_ she be there? How much more was Bernie going to ask of her before she left? But as Bernie looked up at her through her messy fringe, hope and anxiety in her eyes, Serena knew she wouldn’t be able to say no. “I’ll be there.” She promised.

“Bring Jason too? And Elinor if she’s around? Be there for 7pm?”

Serena nodded and Bernie slipped out of theatre, leaving Serena’s mind to fill with images of the family Christmas she had allowed herself to believe one day might have been a possibility with Bernie. Only this didn’t have the fairytale ending she had wanted - after this week she would never see Bernie again.

 

* * *

 

“It does seem a little ridiculous to celebrate Christmas in November.” Jason grumbled as he buckled himself into the backseat of Serena’s car.

“Jason, please, just humour me.” Serena sighed, starting the car engine with shaking hands. She felt horribly nervous at the idea of being back in Bernie’s house, to be spending time with Bernie that didn’t involve an open body between them. The thought that Alex would probably be there didn’t help the situation.

“We haven’t even bought Doctor Bernie any presents, _and_ we don’t even know who the other people going are.” Jason continued.

“Jason,” Serena snapped, “ _please_.”

Elinor’s hand covered Serena’s on the gearstick, “it’s okay, mum.” she reassured her.

Serena closed her eyes, “This is a mistake. I should have said no. What was I thinking?”

“We only have to go for an hour or two, then we can come home and get absolutely rat-arsed on a cheap bottle of pinot. Deal?”

Serena chuckled, opening her eyes to look at her daughter warmly.

“You’ll be glad you went,” Elinor patted her hand, “and you look lovely, Bernie will be kicking herself.”

Serena had spent that afternoon in town with Elinor trying to find something to wear that evening, had settled on a deep red wrap dress with matching stilettos that had received an instant thumbs-up from Elinor when she had tried them on in the shop. “Okay. Let’s do this.” Serena let out a deep breath and started the drive from their house to Bernie’s.

 

* * *

 

Serena’s knuckles met the wood of Bernie’s front door gently and she cleared her throat nervously as she heard the sound of someone approaching on the other side of the door. Elinor and Jason stood behind her quietly and Serena could sense they were both as apprehensive as she was over how tonight was going to pan out.

“Serena,” Bernie opened the door and her mouth instantly fell open, her eyes dragging across Serena’s body. “Hi.”

“Sorry, we’re a bit late.” Serena apologised, her heart pounding in her chest from Bernie’s reaction.

“Come in, Charlotte and Cameron are already here.” Bernie opened the front door wider for them to enter. “Nice to see you again Jason.”  Bernie smiled.

“Hello Doctor Bernie.” Jason smiled.

“Elinor,” Elinor shook Bernie’s hand, her tone cold and her eyes even colder. “Serena’s daughter.”

Serena watched as Bernie shook Elinor’s outstretched hand, saw the nervousness in Bernie’s smile as she realised Elinor knew about what had happened between her and Serena.

Serena followed Bernie down the small corridor of her flat, unable to stop her eyes from falling to the shape of Bernie’s glorious arse in a pair of tight, black satin trousers that she’d never seen before and made desire coil in her stomach. Bernie had matched the trousers with a crisp, white shirt that was so typically, wonderfully, Bernie. Her hair was tied back but a few curls fell around her face, drawing attention to her cheekbones.

Serena could feel the tension in the living room as she walked in. Charlotte and Cameron sat on the sofa, whispering quietly together and holding glasses of wine. They looked up as everyone entered the room to join them and Cameron rose to his feet, smiling widely.

“You must be mum’s girlfriend,” he took Serena’s hand in his and shook it gently, “I’m Cameron, this is Charlotte.”

“I’m not… we’re not…Bernie and I aren’t together.” Serena tried her best to smile as she corrected Cameron in his assumption but knew no smile had made it to her lips, the words so hard to voice. She thought Bernie would have told Cameron and Charlotte about being with Alex but shook the thought from her mind, not wanting to dwell on the topic of Bernie’s love life with her children.

“Oh.” Cameron looked surprised, held Serena’s gaze for a moment before turning his attention to Elinor and Jason, greeting them as warmly as he had greeted Serena. Serena noted Cameron was a little taller than Bernie, his hair as messy as hers and his eyes big and brown like hers too.

“Glass of wine?” Bernie asked, her fingers briefly skimming across the bare skin of Serena’s arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“Please.” Serena replied as she glanced over at Charlotte, who could only offer her a half-hearted smile before picking up a magazine from the coffee table and engrossing herself in it. Serena could see what Bernie had meant when she had said Charlotte was more like her than Cameron was - her hair was longer and a little darker than Bernie’s but her awkward mannerisms and shy gaze were exactly the same.

The sight of a small Christmas tree in the corner of the room caught Serena’s eye, it’s white lights sparkling gently in the slightly dimmed room. The entire room was decorated with little hints of Christmas - baubles hanging from light fittings, Christmas crackers on the dining table, tinsel sitting on the mantelpiece. It made Serena smile that Bernie had gone to so much effort to make tonight special. Realising Bernie hadn’t reappeared with her wine, Serena headed over to the kitchen area only to find Elinor and Bernie stood opposite each other, whatever conversation they had been involved in suddenly dying as they saw Serena.  “Have I interrupted something?” She asked awkwardly.

“No, no,” Bernie shook her head, her expression unreadable, “nothing.”

Elinor looked between Bernie and Serena as though she were about to say something but remained silent, took a glass of wine from Bernie as it was offered to her and left the kitchen to join the others back out by the sofa. Serena made a mental note to ask Elinor later what they had been talking about, knowing she wouldn’t get anywhere to try and get any information from either of them now.

Bernie passed Serena a glass, “it’s that maranganga one you like.”

“Marananga,” Serena chuckled with a gentle smile, met Bernie’s gaze to see a blush rise on her cheeks as she returned the smile shyly..

The wine was sweet and warm on Serena’s lips and she couldn’t help but let out a little hum of delight at the taste, realising Bernie’s eyes were still on her as she did so, pupils dilated and dark, the sight sending a shiver across Serena’s skin. She could almost let herself believe Alex never existed, that this was the Wolfe-Campbell Christmas her heart wanted it to be but deep down she knew the reality of the situation. “Is Alex joining us?” she asked, the mention of Alex well and truly halting any intensity between them.

“She left for Dresden yesterday to start setting up the trauma unit.” Bernie sounded awkward, put her glass down on the kitchen counter and stirred one of the many saucepans on the stove, whatever moment they had shared together well and truly broken.  “Will you tell everyone it’s time to eat?” she asked.

 

* * *

 

Bernie’s small dining table was crammed with delicious vegetables, stuffing, pigs in blankets and a turkey so big Serena thought it probably could feel them all for a week. It was clear Bernie had gone above and beyond her comfort zone when it came to cooking, had probably spent all day in the kitchen, and there were a few overdone and underdone parts of the meal that they all laughed about as they ate together, the wide smile on Bernie's face showing her enjoyment of the situation despite the teasing. 

“Maybe we go to a restaurant for our actual Christmas dinner, eh mum?” Charlotte grinned, only for the jovial atmosphere to come to an abrupt end as Charlotte received only an awkward silence from Bernie in response. 

The realisation washed of Serena like someone had chucked a bucket of freezing water over her. Bernie hadn’t told Cameron or Charlotte about the hospital in Dresden, or Alex, or the fact she was permanently leaving the country in 5 days time.

Bernie stared across the table at Serena, her expression filled with fear that now was the time she would have to explain everything.

Serena tried her best to give a reassuring, comforting smile, but felt anxious on Bernie's behalf, wishing there was something she could do to help. 

“I’m not going to be here for Christmas.” Bernie’s voice was quiet and unsteady, her fingers playing with the napkin in her lap.

“What? Why?” Cameron asked.

“Do you remember my friend Alex, from the army? She came to visit us a couple of times at home?”

Cameron nodded but Charlotte remained completely still and silent, her eyes focused solely on Bernie.

“Well… she... she and I are together and we’re going to live in Dresden to work at a hospital together.” Bernie finally looked up from her lap, eyes on Serena.

As much as Serena wanted to be supportive, hearing the words come from Bernie’s lips again was almost as painful as hearing them the first time, and she closed her eyes, unable to bear to be present in the situation.

“Are you being serious?” Charlotte finally asked, her voice full of anger. “When are you going?”

“Um… uh… this weekend.” Bernie

Charlotte was on her feet before Bernie had even finished speaking, “Who even _are_ you? You spend half my childhood away in some desert, and then you finally come back, split our family apart, discover you’re a lesbian and now you’re running off to Germany with some woman? How you can even have the audacity to consider yourself my mother is beyond me!”

“Charlotte,” Bernie got to her feet, reached out to try and take Charlotte’s hand but Charlotte recoiled. “Please, let me explain.”

“What is there to say exactly? You _promised_ us when you came back from the army that you would stay, that you would spend time with us, that you would be our mum and now this…” Charlotte shook her head, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I hate you.”

Bernie stepped forward away from her chair to try and reach out to Charlotte again but this time Cameron was on his feet, standing in-between the two women.

“We’re going to go to dad’s. Don’t call us. Don’t come over,” Cameron’s voice was calm but seemed to pain Bernie even more than Charlotte’s words, “Pretend like we don’t exist. You’ve done a pretty good job so far.”

And with that, Charlotte and Cameron had their coats on and were leaving, Bernie stood frozen to spot by the dining table for a moment before she took her wine glass and headed over to the kitchen counter, opening another bottle of red before placing her palms down on the counter, her back to Serena as her shoulders hunched, her head hung low.

Serena sat nervously at the table as she watched Bernie. She desperately wanted to go up to her and hug her tightly, tell her everything would be okay but at the same time her own heart ached that she too would lose Bernie in less than a week. She could understand to some extent how Cameron and Charlotte felt, that Bernie had chosen a different life to the one she had here. It felt painful to be second best, to feel unwanted.

It was the sound of a ragged sob escaping Bernie's lips that swiftly made up Serena's mind and within milliseconds of pushing her chair back away from the table she had her arms around Bernie tightly.

“Oh, Serena,” Bernie's tears quickly soaked into the shoulder of Serena's dress, her sobs shaking her body. “What have I done?”

Out of the corner of her eye Serena could see Elinor silently handing Jason his coat and taking Serena's keys from her handbag. She briefly met Elinor's eye, nodding her agreement that they should leave and after a few seconds of them disappearing from the room Serena heard the sound of the front door open and then click shut.

Ushering Bernie away from the kitchen counter, Serena led her to the couch and they sat down together, Bernie’s arms immediately wrapping back around Serena’s waist as her head rested in the crook of Serena’s neck. Serena couldn’t help but place a kiss into Bernie’s hair, to smell the mint of Bernie’s shampoo as she held her, feeling Bernie’s tears eventually subside and her breathing settle.

“I’m so sorry, what an awful evening for you and Elinor and Jason,” when Bernie spoke again her voice was raw and only just audible, “I just wanted one night where everything was okay.”

Serena felt tears sting her own eyes, was glad Bernie couldn’t see, her head still resting gently against her. How badly she had wanted that too, for everyone. “They’ll come round to the idea. They just need time.”

“You heard what they said.”

“The amount of times Elinor and I have argued...we’ve both said some awful things to each other in the past but time heals. It sounds trite but it’s true.”

Bernie pulled away from Serena’s embrace to look up at her, as though to check to see if Serena believed her own words and smiled at the sincerity she found Serena’s eyes. “Thank you.”

Before Serena could stop herself her fingers were gently wiping the tears from Bernie’s cheeks, smoothing back her hair that had come loose from her ponytail. It felt so natural to be close to Bernie, like they were a perfect fit together, Serena’s fingers knowing exactly where to go and what to do to comfort her.

Bernie closed her eyes and smiled at the contact, her hands slipping from Serena’s waist to settle on her thighs, her fingers splayed across the material of Serena’s dress.

Serena’s could feel Bernie’s warm breath on her face, could sense how the atmosphere around them had changed. Her fingers took a little longer as they slid through Bernie’s hair and she felt herself become braver in her actions as Bernie relaxed further into her touch. She pushed the band from Bernie’s hair to let her blonde waves fall around her face. “Beautiful.” She remarked, her voice a whisper.

Bernie opened her eyes at Serena’s comment, gaze dark and her lips parted. Bernie’s fingers gently squeezed Serena’s thighs, making Serena aware just how much she was aching to feel Bernie's skin against her own. Serena held eye contact, the desire in her own eyes granting permission for Bernie to make the next move and within seconds she felt Bernie’s thumbs push the material of her dress up to her knees. Bernie’s lips moved in closer to hers and her fingers pushed at Serena's dress again, higher up her thighs to reveal the tops of her stockings.

Serena moaned at the thought of Bernie’s pushing her dress up to her waist, pressing her back against the couch and tonguing her clit through the thin fabric of her knickers. The anticipation of what she hoped was to come and the sensation of Bernie’s hands on her was almost unbearable and Serena felt at Bernie’s mercy as she tantalising began to move Serena’s dress further up her thighs.

The sound of Bernie’s landline ringing filled the room and Bernie’s hands stilled, time seeming to freeze as they both listened to the incessant sound. 

“You should answer it.” Serena breathed, not having realised she had been holding her breath.

“It’ll stop in a minute.” Bernie replied, so close that her lips brushed Serena’s cheek as she spoke.

 _“This is Bernie’s phone. I’m not here but if you leave a message I’ll ring you back.”_ Bernie’s answer machine jumped into action.

“Bern, it’s Alex. Just wanted to find out how thing went tonight. I’ve found this really lovely place on the riverbank. I can’t wait for you to get here. I miss you.” Alex’s voice sounded through the phone’s speaker and suddenly Bernie’s hands left Serena’s thighs, her entire body shifted away from Serena and her jaw tight.

Neither woman spoke for a minute, as though they were in some form of shell shock. Alex’s voice had made Serena’s blood run cold, a painful reminder that no matter what had just occurred that evening Bernie had chosen Alex over her.

“I should go.” Serena broke the silence, sliding her dress back over her knees but pausing before she stood in the hope Bernie’s eyes would meet her own. Bernie’s gaze remained firmly on the ground and Serena quickly left, tears stinging at her eyes.

 

* * *

 

“Mum, we need to talk.” Elinor was already stood in the doorway of the living room as Serena entered the house.

“Not now, Elinor, for god’s sake.” Serena was halfway up the stairs as she replied, having eventually found a taxi to take her home and in no mood to talk.

“It’s about Bernie.”

“There will not be another word about that fucking woman in this house!” Serena shouted, reaching her bedroom and closing the door behind herself, pressing her back to the cold wood and sliding down it as she cried. She could still feel Bernie’s breath on her skin and her hands on her thighs, her body still filled with desire that seemed to only make the situation more painful.

Serena’s head spun as she tried to make sense of what had happened. Did Bernie still want her? If she had, Serena told herself, she wouldn’t have reacted like she did to Alex’s message, surely she would have tried to make Serena stay. But the _what if_ burned in Serena’s chest as she cried, taunting her with the idea that perhaps if Alex hadn’t called that evening Bernie might have decided not to go to Dresden with Alex at all. 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, thanks so much for your comments on the last chapter, they kept me smiling for days. This chapter seemed to take an absolute age to finish, I promise I won't keep you waiting so long for the next one.

**Chapter 9**

Serena was thankful the Holby Christmas party happened to coincide with Bernie’s last day, conversation throughout AAU that week having been more focused on what people would be wearing than Bernie’s exciting new life in Germany. Despite this, Serena knew her denial over Bernie's leaving would only ultimately the reality of the situation more painful in the end. 

Apart from an awkward and brief conversation in the coffee queue one morning that had consisted solely of talking about the weather, Serena had managed to avoid speaking to Bernie since the disaster that was Christmas dinner at the start of the week. Her heart ached that she knew Bernie would be struggling with the aftermath of Charlotte and Cameron’s reaction to her news, but Serena didn’t know how to comfort her from such a distance and couldn’t bear to try and get close to her for fear of further rejection.  

She still couldn’t make sense of how close they had been that evening, when Bernie’s fingers had teased at her dress and her lips had grazed Serena’s cheek. If Bernie did feel anything for her, Serena couldn’t understand why she hadn’t said something to her that night, even despite Alex’s impromptu and entirely unwelcome voicemail. She could only put the intimacy between them down to a drunken mistake on Bernie’s part, seeking comfort from whoever would offer it to her. Serena had just happened to be that person by chance and that was that.

Serena was packing up her bag that evening in her office, lights dim as the ward began to settle down for the evening. She smiled as she saw Jason walk past, pushing an elderly woman in her wheelchair back to her bed from having had an MRI scan. As he had asked her all those weeks ago, Serena had managed to find him a part-time job as a porter and tonight was his first nightshift. He had been full of questions all week about the sorts of responsibilities he would have and the people he might meet, but thankfully hadn’t asked after Bernie. Serena only wished Elinor had possessed the same level of tact, having tried to instigate a conversation about Bernie with her every day that week despite being instantly shut down by a hard glare every time she tried.

Serena watched as Jason safely helped the patient into her bed before starting up a conversation with Fletch, who was also on the night shift tonight and Raf - neither of them had seemed too worried about missing the party and Serena guessed they would be quite pleased to finally have some peace and quiet together away from the madness of their child-filled house.

The sight of Bernie coming across the ward forced Serena’s attention back to her bag and she slipped her laptop inside its soft casing, her heart beating hard in her chest as she sensed Bernie approaching their office. She had no idea if Bernie would be going to the party tonight, hadn’t been brave enough to ask and was terrified of the reality of her response either way. It would still be painful no matter where they said their goodbyes, that was if Bernie even planned to say goodbye to her.

“Are you off?” Bernie asked, coming into the office and closing the door behind her.

“Yes, it’s quite late.”

“Everyone will already be at the party.”

“I suppose so.” Serena kept her eyes down, slipping her coat on over her shoulders.

“Are you going tonight? To the party?”

The anxiety in Bernie’s voice made Serena look up, “Yes.” She replied, desperate to know if this, right here, would be goodbye or if she would be granted just a few more hours with her. “Are--are you?”

“Yes. My flight tomorrow isn’t ‘til the afternoon so I thought I’d come along for a few…” Bernie trailed off, eyes holding Serena’s nervously.

Serena’s insides both leapt excitedly and contracted with dread that she would see Bernie again but that it would be for the last time.  “I guess you can say goodbye to everyone there then.” The words came out colder than Serena had anticipated and she slung her bag on her shoulder, exiting the office with a shaking breath.

 _Pull yourself together, Campbell_ she thought to herself, feeling tears sting her eyes at the realisation that when she came back of their office on Monday the other side of the desk would be empty and soulless, like Bernie had never existed in her life.

The drive back home seemed to take an age and Serena felt exhausted as she closed the front  door behind herself. It was already 8pm and she knew most of the Holby staff would be fairly squiffy already. Hanssen had gone to the effort of hiring out a private room in a somewhat upmarket bar in town for the Christmas party this year, after the team had made quite a mess of Albie’s last year and felt too embarrassed to descend on masse again this year.

She quickly showered, dressed and dried her hair, was half way through applying her makeup when Elinor appeared, leant against the doorway of Serena’s bedroom.

“I’m not sure why I’m going to such an effort.” Serena sighed, eyes meeting Elinor’s in the reflection of her dresser mirror.

“Because Bernie will be there.”

“Elinor.” Serena warned, applying a layer of red lipstick across her lips.

“It’s the last time you’ll see her.”

“Don’t you think I don’t already know that?”

Elinor moved away from the doorway to sat down next to Serena on the long, padded seat at the dressing table. “Which is exactly why I need you to listen to what I’m about to say without trying to shut me up or storming off.”

Serena glowered at her, not wanting to hear whatever she had to say but feeling worn down by Elinor’s persistence on the matter. She considered that maybe it was time to start listening. 

“When we were at Bernie’s house I spoke to her in the kitchen, do you remember, when you walked in on us talking?”

Serena gave a small nod but remained silent. 

“I asked her if she knew how upset you were that she was leaving. She couldn’t understand what I was on about, said she thought it was what you wanted, that you’d basically _told_ her to go.”

“What?” Confusion filled Serena at Elinor’s words.  

“I told her I thought she had the wrong end of the stick but she was adamant, she said you wanted to forget all about having kissed, were practically encouraging her to leave.”

“No, Elinor, darling, that can’t be right. Bernie _wants_ to leave. That’s why she told me about Dresden in the first place.”

“Maybe she was just being honest with you about what Alex had said to her?”

“Then why not say anything to me?”

“Because you told her to go! She thinks you don’t want her, that you’re _glad_ she’s leaving.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

Elinor sighed, exasperated, simply gave a pointed look in reply that made Serena cringe with regret. She should have listened to Elinor that night she came home from Bernie’s, then at least she would have had all week to let this sink in, to think through how to fix this. Now she was only left with a couple of hours.  

“You can’t let her go to Germany, mum.”

“What do I say to her?” The idea of telling Bernie to stay made Serena’s stomach flutter anxiously.

“The truth.”

Serena looked at Elinor, “I’m not sure I’m brave enough.”

“If you don’t tell her you will regret it every day for the rest of your life.”

Elinor’s words sounded momentous but Serena knew they were true and she gave a nod before turning back to her mirror to finish applying her make-up. “Then that’s what I’ll do - I’ll tell her.”

 

* * *

 

Elinor drove Serena into town in silence, Serena nervously fiddling with the edge of her clutch bag as she held it in her lap, constantly smoothing out the black satin of her dress. She felt sick with anxiety that maybe Bernie had changed her mind about going to the party at all, that maybe she’d got an earlier flight to Germany and they would never see each other again. 

“I’m only a phone call away and I can come and get you in fifteen minutes.” Elinor said in an attempt to reassure Serena as they pulled up outside the bar but Elinor’s words only made Serena more nervous. Did Elinor not think this was going to work?

Serena offered a weak smile and quiet thank you before getting out of the car and making her way into the bar. She headed upstairs to where she knew the function room was, relief filling her body at the sight of Ric’s friendly smile and a glass of Shiraz.

“Didn’t think you were coming.” he said as he passed her the glass, his own in his other hand.

Serena smiled but her attention was on the many faces in the vast room, searching for Bernie.

“She’s by the bar, speaking to Hanssen.” Ric smiled.

“Sorry.” Serena blushed. “I just... “

“Want a chance to say goodbye?”

“A chance to be honest, actually.”

Ric’s smile increased as clinked his glass against hers, “That’s what I like to hear.”

The evening passed at a painful pace, conversation with colleagues becoming tiresome as Serena’s anxiety only increased. She had lost count of the amount of times she had caught sight of Bernie’s mop of messy, golden hair through crowds, had felt the courage surge inside herself to head over to speak to her only to be cornered by another member of the hospital’s board, asking her why she was no longer deputy CEO and what they could do to change her mind.

By 10pm Serena finally managed to get away the endless amount of people that wanted to speak to her and made her way to the bar, resting her elbows on the oak top as she ordered the largest Shiraz the bartender would pour.

“Thirsty?” Bernie gave a shy smile as she joined Serena’s side, shoulders and hips meeting in the small space available at the bar.

“Hi.” Serena’s mouth felt instantly dry as she saw Bernie in full view for the first time that night.  She was wearing a short, black lace dress that showed off the toned muscles in her arms and long, tanned legs that ended in a pair of strappy black high heels, sending a shiver of desire across Serena’s body.

“Let me get this.” Bernie nervously fumbled with her shoulder bag before pulling a £10 note out to pay for Serena’s wine and her own scotch as the bartender finished pouring their drinks.

“Thanks. You--You look nice.” Serena blushed, overwhelmed by the sight of her and the memory of Elinor's words that Bernie did want her, wanted to be with her, had _always_ wanted to be with her. 

“Do I?” The nervousness in Bernie’s expression disappeared for a second as her eyes flashed with something that made Serena’s knees feel like jelly.

“Stunning, actually.” Serena continued, feeling bolder and braver as she spoke, on the verge of finally vocalising the six words her heart had been screaming for weeks:  _I don’t want you go to._

Bernie’s shy smile turned to one of warmth and affection, her brown eyes focused on Serena’s as the party around them seemed to fade and the only thing that mattered was this moment between them right now.

“Bernie! Is today your last day?” Sacha’s voice interrupted the intense silence that had fallen between the two women and he leant up against the bar next to Bernie. “Come and tell your old Keller friends all about your plans for Germany!” His hand came up to Bernie’s back and before Serena could argue, could get just a moment of Bernie’s time to ask her not to go to Germany, to _please_ stay with her instead, she had been whisked away to the other side of the room.

It was thirty minutes before Serena spotted Bernie again, shaking the hands of their colleagues as they wished her well for her new life in Germany. Serena felt the butterflies in her stomach increase with each person Bernie said goodbye to around the room, praying that eventually she could come to her.

“Serena, do you have a second?” Morven’s presence at her side distracted Serena from watching Bernie wrap her arms tightly around Ric.

“Can it just wait a few minutes?” Serena asked, agitated that she might miss her chance to speak to Bernie.

“It’s just.. you know that I said I was thinking of applying for that role on Keller? I just wanted to let you know I changed my mind, I want to stay on AAU. My heart is there, it’s really the first time I’ve felt like I had a family, y’know?” Morven looked at Serena expectantly, waiting for a reaction.

Serena smiled. “That’s wonderful, Morven. I’m glad you made the right decision. You’re an integral part of AAU, it wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Moven’s face lit up happily that Serena had taken the news well, didn’t hold it against her that she had considered moving to another ward. “Well, I won’t keep you!” and with that she bounded off back into the crowds.

Serena felt uneasy as her eyes travelled back to where Ric was standing to find Bernie no longer there. She scanned the room several times but Bernie was nowhere to be seen. “Ric, where did Bernie go?” she headed over to him, a gut-wrenching dread sitting heavily inside her that she'd missed her chance, that Bernie had already gone.

“She’s just left,” Ric looked surprised at Serena’s question, “Did she not tell you?”

Serena shook her head.

“She only just gone, if you go now you might still be able to catch her.” He urged.

Serena didn’t wait a second, leaving the bar and heading out into the night to find her.

Surely Bernie hadn’t left without saying goodbye.

This couldn’t be the end. Not like this.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for continuing to read this. :)
> 
> This chapter has taken me five nights to write, re-write and write again! I hope it's alright.

** Chapter Ten **

 

Serena’s heels sounded loudly on the pavement as she walked hurriedly past the bar and down the road in the hope of finding some sort of evidence as to where Bernie had gone. Her breath was heavy in her chest from having rushed out of the bar and it formed condensation in front of her as it met with the night air.She felt a lump form in her throat and panic started to rise in her chest at the sight of the empty street ahead and the realisation Bernie was nowhere to be seen.

Serena closed her eyes, feeling the tears that she knew would fall once she reopened them, and let out a shaking, frustrated sigh. How stupid and thoughtless she had been, _repeatedly_. This was her punishment now, she told herself, to live the rest of her life clinging on to whatever memories of Bernie she could, until eventually they too would leave her and she'd be left with nothing but regret-filled what ifs.

Serena opened her eyes, let the previously unshed tears roll down her cheeks and sting her cold skin with their heat before she wiped them away with her fingers. She debated ringing Elinor and asking to be picked up, picking up a bottle of Shiraz on the way home and spending tomorrow nursing a hangover rather than a broken heart, but knew she couldn’t - she owed Bernie more than this. She couldn’t let her leave for Germany tomorrow without seeing her.Serena looked around for a taxi, stepped out into the road to get a better look down the winding path as she tried desperately to remember Bernie’s address. 

“Going somewhere?” 

_That voice._

Serena spun around to see Bernie, standing in an alleyway between two of buildings nearby. The sight of her made Serena’s legs weak and she had to consciously stop her knees from giving way from the relief that poured through her body.“Bernie, I was looking for you,” She headed over to her, heart beating wildly that this wasn’t over between them. She could still fix this. “I thought you’d left already.” 

“Without saying goodbye?” Bernie shook her head. “I was just making a call.” She raised the mobile phone in her hand before slipping it into her handbag and raising her attention back to Serena.

Serena could see anxiety in Bernie’s expression as their eyes met, wondered how much Bernie could see the same emotion reflected in hers too. “I need to tell you something before you leave.”

“I need to tell you something too,” Bernie replied. “I just got off the phone with Alex--”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“--I can’t go to Germany.”

Both woman stared at each other, processing what the other had said, a mess of words that neither had anticipated from the other.

Bernie was the first to speak again: “I can’t go to Germany with Alex. I don’t love her like I used to. I don’t _want_ her like I should. I don’t want anyone but you, Serena.” Her voice was so soft and sincere it made Serena breathless. “When we were stood together at the bar tonight I knew I couldn’t go. I couldn’t not see your smile every day, not share my life with you in some way, even if you don’t feel the same. Even since Alex came back, there’s only one thing I’ve been able to think about, and that’s you Serena.”

“I should have just told you, Bernie. I should have been honest and told you I didn’t want you to go,” Serena closed the remained of the space between them, took Bernie’s hands in hers. “I’ve been so terrified that I’m not enough, that I could never be good enough for you. I’m not exactly a beautiful, young soldier promising you a brand new life in different country. ”

“No, you’re not. You’re so much more than that.” Bernie learned in, pressed a lingering kiss to Serena’s cheek. 

Serena’s heart swelled at the sensation, the warmth of Bernie’s body against her own. God, how wonderful it was to have Bernie’s lips on her skin.Turning her head into Bernie's kiss, Serena sought out her lips, whimpered with delight as their lips met and she felt Bernie's tongue requesting access to her mouth.

A deep mixture of relief and pleasure filled Serena as Bernie’s tongue met with hers and Bernie’s hands were touching her again, firmly at her waist and holding her close. Their kiss seemed to last for an eternity, neither wanting it to stop now, finally, they were together. 

“How about we get out of here?” Bernie finally asked as their lips parted, pulled Serena closer to the road with her as an oncoming taxi neared them.

Serena felt a surge of nervous excitement as they headed out to meet the oncoming vehicle, Bernie waving it down so they could get inside. Bernie had barely got her address out to the driver before Serena’s lips were on hers, hungry and giddy at what they were doing, what they were about to do. 

Serena could see the glancing eyes of the driver in the rearview mirror but didn’t care if he looked or not, was much more interested in Bernie’s wandering hands that snaked around her waist and pulled their bodies closer together.

“I can’t wait to fuck you.” Bernie breathed into her ear before sucking on the pulse point on her neck, Serena’s moan reverberating in her chest as Bernie’s mouth licked and bit and suck on the sensitive skin before her mouth was back on Serena’s, tongues and teeth clashing.

One of Serena’s hands gathered in Bernie’s hair, the other palming at her breast through her dress as they kissed and kissed. The soft mewls Bernie was making as their tongues met, fought for control over their kiss, made Serena’s skin tingle and she could already feel how soaked her knickers were from how much she wanted this, how much she needed Bernie. Bernie's hands snaked under Serena’s dress, grasping roughly at the bare skin of Serena's thighs and the edge of her arse, pulling her closer still. 

Just as Serena felt she couldn't take another second of Bernie's teasing without the risk of cumming in her knickers, the cab driver came to a stop and loudly announced Bernie’s address, pointedly so, as he turned on the harsh lights of the inside of the cab.

Serena’s hands swiftly left Bernie’s body as she fumbled for a £20 in her purse. She passed the money to the driver, told him to keep the change, before following Bernie out of the vehicle and up to her flat, fingers entwined and hearts racing. 

They'd only just got through the front door when Serena was pressing Bernie against up the corridor wall, wrapping Bernie's thigh around her waist and pushing her dress up, hips meeting as their kisses became more and more urgent.

Serena’s whole body throbbed with want, entirely consumed by it, as she moved to caress Bernie’s thigh, revelling in Bernie’s bare skin under her fingertips. Her hand moved between Bernie’s thighs and she pushed Bernie’s knickers aside before eagerly slipped two fingers inside of her. 

Serena groaned in delight at the sound of Bernie's wetness as she fucked her, Bernie's cries high pitched and her head back against the wall to expose the column of her neck to Serena's hungry mouth. Serena knew as she nipped and sucked at Bernie’s neck that she would likely leave a mark but she didn't care, was so desperate to have her in every way she could.

Bernie's fingernails dug into the bare skin of Serena's shoulders as her hips moved with Serena's hand, the support of Serena's body next to hers the only thing keeping her standing as her supporting leg trembled.

“Fuck, you feel so good." Serena breathed into the crook of Bernie's neck, emitting a low whine from her in response. Serena could feel Bernie begin to tighten around her fingers, added a third finger and picked up the pace.

"Ohh... yes, god, don’t stop.. don’t stop." Bernie's whole body tensed and her breath caught in her chest, followed moments later by the most wonderful sound Serena had ever heard as Bernie let out a soft, shaking cry. She felt Bernie gush and flutter around her fingers, couldn't help but smile into Bernie's neck as she held Bernie's quivering body tightly.

They were still of a few seconds before Serena dotted light kisses into Bernie’s hair, on her cheek and neck. Bernie’s breathing soon returned to a normal pace and her grip on Serena loosened, her leg coming back to the ground from its position around Serena’s waist. 

They held each other for a moment in the darkness and silence of the hallway, letting the reality of the situation sink in, that this was really happening. Bernie’s lips found Serena’s and she kissed her tenderly and briefly, before taking her hand and leading her down the small corridor, into one of the rooms Serena hadn’t been in when she had been here previously.

Serena barely had time to register she was in Bernie’s bedroom before she found herself pressed against a chest of drawers, Bernie’s teeth pulling at her bottom lip with a growl before she kissed her hard. Serena steadied herself, palms down on the wooden surface of the drawers, as Bernie lips left hers and she dropped to her knees between Serena’s legs. 

Serena knew she was soaked with want at the sight of Bernie glancing up at her, eyes dark and full of desire before turning her attention to gathering Serena’s dress up to her waist and sliding her knickers down her legs and off past her heels.

Bernie nudged Serena’s legs apart further, let out a low moan of delight as she began to place hot, open mouthed kisses across the tops of Serena’s thighs, each kiss a few centimetres closer to the apex of her thighs.Serena’s hips bucked, desperate for Bernie’s mouth to make contact with her clit, but Bernie’s firm hands held the material of Serena’s dress up at her waist and her hips still, taking her time over to worship every inch of Serena’s skin. 

It felt an age before Serena watched Bernie’s tongue slide into her, had the heat of it against her pulsing, swollen clit. She knew her legs trembling, that it wouldn’t take long for Bernie to bring her over the edge.She couldn't tear her eyes away from Bernie’s mouth on her, the sight of it turning her on even more than she thought physically possible and she let run her fingers through Bernie’s soft hair, allowing it to gather a little firmer in her grip as Bernie moved from long, slow movements to focusing entirely on her clit, licking and sucking with such ferocity that Serena barely had time to register she was on the cusp of her release before it hit her. 

Serena wasn't even sure if she had intended to make coherent words as she came but knew whatever had left her lips had all but been a cry of half-formed swearwords and Bernie's name, her hips pushed forward against Bernie's mouth as she trembled with the waves of pleasure that spread through her. 

Eyes closed, Serena could only hear the sound of her own, heavy breathing and her heart beating wildly through her body. She opened to her eyes to see Bernie still on her knees, gazing up at Serena like she was some sort of goddess. “You’re wonderful.” Serena smiled, helped Bernie to her feet, tasted herself on Bernie's lips as they kissed.

Bernie wasted no time in finding the zip of Serena’s dress, pulling it down to her waist as her lips moved from Serena’s mouth to her chest. Serena moaned at the sensation of Bernie’s mouth across the tops of her breasts, her tongue hot on Serena’s over-sensitive skin as she unclasped Serena’s bra and let the remainder of Serena’s clothes pool at her feet.

“Beautiful.” Bernie whispered, eyes full of fire as she slipped her own dress from her body and began to walk Serena backwards towards the bed.

Serena throbbed with desire at the sight of Bernie in just her underwear and those killer black heels, didn’t think she could feel more turned on until she fell back onto the mattress and Bernie mounted her, one long and toned thigh on either side of Serena’s hips. Serena could feel the wetness of Bernie’s knickers as they met with her own damp curls. 

The room was nearly completely dark apart from the light from the street lamps outside, casting enough light in the room for Serena to make out the details of Bernie’s face as her hips pressed and rolled into Serena's, biting her bottom lip and closing her eyes as she did so. Serena could see Bernie’s chest rising and falling, her breath a little laboured as she let out another soft moan that sent a jolt of desire through Serena’s body.

Seeing Bernie like this was so much more intimate than any other moment they’d shared before, both completely vulnerable to the other, the air between them like electricity. Serena couldn’t help but feel nervous, was so desperate to be everything Bernie wanted her to be, knew Bernie could see the apprehension in her eyes. 

Bernie’s fingers came up behind herself and unclasped her bra, letting it fall down her arms before she tossed it onto the floor beside the bed. Tentatively she took one of Serena’s hands in hers, eyes focused solely on Serena’s as she brought Serena’s fingers to her lips and placed a lingering kiss on her fingertips before moving to Serena’s hand to her breast, let her fingers trail lightly over an already hard nipple. 

“Oh, Bernie.” Serena’s voice was barely audible and shook slightly as she spoke. She let her fingertips trace, featherlight, around the edge of Bernie’s nipple before she took it between her thumb and fingers and tugged gently, a soft gasp leaving Bernie’s lips in response as her back arched. 

Serena sat up, felt Bernie’s fingers slide into her hair as she took Bernie’s nipple in her mouth, caressed it with her tongue before letting her teeth gently enclose around it. She took her time, enjoying the mewls of pleasure that reverberated in Bernie’s chest at the combination of tongue and teeth on one nipple and then, eventually, the other.

Serena’s hands cupped Bernie’s arse, squeezed it, encouraged Bernie to rock her hips against her, briefly toyed with the waistband of her knickers before pushing them down Bernie’s thighs. 

“Cum with me, Serena.” Bernie’s lips found Serena’s again, hard and hungry, as she pressed Serena down into the mattress and slipped her thigh from one side of Serena’s hips to in between her legs.

Serena’s eyes rolled into the back of her head, a long groan emitting from her lips as Bernie quickly established a rhythm between them, one hand at Serena’s hip as the other one cupped her breast, tugging roughly at her hard nipple between her fingers, causing Serena to cry out at the pleasure of it. 

Serena’s hands travelled the length of Bernie’s back, her skin strong and soft beneath her touch. Her hips met Bernie’s as she revelled in the sensation of Bernie, hot and wet on her thigh and her own orgasm building rapidly inside of her. 

“Serena… Serena…” 

The sound of her name on Bernie’s lips, breathless and desperate as she came, were enough to tip Serena over the edge and she dug her fingernails into the skin of Bernie’s back as her orgasm seeped across every inch of her body, pulsating with a white heat that seemed to last and last until eventually both women sank, boneless and weak, in each other’s arms. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A combination of RSI and writer's block has made this update take forever and I can only apologise profusely for that. I hope it's worth the wait. Hoping to be able to update a lot more over the Christmas break. Thanks for reading so far! <3

**Chapter 11**

 

Serena awoke to the feeling of soft, warm skin pressed against her own and the rise and fall of Bernie's chest as they breathed together at the same steady pace. A smile pulled at her lips as she kept her eyes closed, revelling in the comfort and tranquility of it all. She could feel the skin of Bernie's lower back against her fingers, their arms wrapped around each other's bodies, and let her fingertips trail gently over the base of Bernie's spine, the gentle motion eventually stirring Bernie from her sleep.

"Good morning." Bernie's voice was low and a little hoarse from sleep, her breath hot against Serena's neck.

Serena placed a kiss on Bernie’s forehead and pulled her closer to her. The sensation of skin brushing skin made her whole body tingle, suddenly very aware at how naked they both were. "I thought I was dreaming when I woke up to feel you next to me."

Bernie let out a contented hum, sought out Serena's lips with her own to share a lingering kiss before their lips parted and Serena opened her eyes, drinking in the sight of Bernie - hair messy and a sleepy, relaxed smile on her lips.

“I think I still am dreaming.” Bernie admitted, a finger trailing lightly down Serena’s cheek and neck, to the top of the duvet wrapped around them and then under the material to brush against Serena’s breast.

Serena gasped at the contact, her body sensitive and aching for more of Bernie’s touch. Bernie peeled the covers slowly down from Serena's body, past her breasts and her waist to finish at her knees. The cold air instantly pebbled Serena's nipples and she felt her stomach flip with nervousness at the sight of her own body, so bare and exposed to Bernie in the morning light.

Bernie's moan at the sight of her was enough to quell any anxiety and Serena let herself relax as Bernie began kissing her skin, slow and steady, taking in every detail with her lips and then her tongue. Serena parted her legs as Bernie moved between her thighs, pushed her hips up against Bernie's body with a desperate whine. Bernie's mouth was hot and wet, leaving a trail of bite marks and raw, sucked skin down Serena's body, her intent obvious as she pushed Serena’s thighs wider and her kisses reached Serena’s hipbone.

The sound of a Bernie's mobile phone ringing loudly from her clutch bag on the floor broke the moment between them, bringing Bernie to a pause. "Ignore it." She spoke against Serena’s thigh, although the ringing continued and continued.

"Maybe you should answer it." Serena eventually suggested, if only to make the damn thing stop.

"I’ve got better things to be doing with my mouth than answering the phone. Don’t you think?" Bernie asked, hungry eyes meeting Serena’s, only for the ringing to continue.

Bernie finally groaned, exasperated and defeated by the noise, leaving Serena’s body to grab a vest and a pair of track pants from a pile of clothes on a nearby chair. She quickly dressed before grabbing her phone from her bag. "It's Alex." She looked up at Serena, worry evident on her face, "don't go anywhere?" She asked, waiting for Serena to give a nod before she answered the phone, disappearing from the bedroom and into the adjacent guest room.

Serena couldn’t dismiss the butterflies in her stomach at the idea of Alex and Bernie talking, tried not to think about the possibility of Alex convincing Bernie to change her mind. Needing to do something to take her mind off the situation, Serena dressed in the soft white dressing gown that hung on the back of the bedroom door and made her way into the kitchen in search of coffee.

Bernie's living room and kitchen were filled with cardboard boxes full of things she'd planned to put into storage whilst she was in Dresden, each box covered in a scribbled description of its contents. The Christmas decorations and artificial tree that had been up on Serena’s last visit gathered up in badly-tied a black bin bag, ready to be thrown away, and Serena felt a twinge of sadness at the memory of how badly things had gone that night with Charlotte and Cameron.

Serena found a cafetiere and a bag of ground coffee in one of the cupboards still contained anything and found the kettle and two mugs in a nearby box. She could just about hear Bernie's voice from the other room, full of exasperation, and was glad when the sound of the kettle boiling filled her ears instead, not wanting to eavesdrop.

Serena was on her second coffee by the time Bernie emerged from the guest room, eyes a little red from crying, but her shoulders loose and relief was evident on her face.  Serena poured Bernie the remainder of what was left in the cafetiere, passed the cup to her before they sat down on the couch, feet curled up beneath themselves and bodies close. She wanted to ask how things had gone, if Bernie had changed her mind, but couldn’t find the right words, nervousness silencing her. 

“She wanted to see if I had really meant what I said last night, if there was any way she could change my mind,” Bernie sighed, “she said she could come here instead, that we didn’t need to be in Dresden. I tried to explain that Dresden wasn’t the issue, that it wasn’t her fault…I never meant to hurt her.” Her voice was full of compassion and guilt and she hung her head, closing her eyes. 

Serena reached out to cover Bernie’s thigh with her hand, gave it a reassuring squeeze, let her fingers stroke over the soft cotton of her track pants, the movement bringing Bernie’s gaze back to hers, and Bernie eventually continued. 

"She knew something wasn’t right with us since we’d got back together, she’d try to dismiss it but...” Bernie bit her bottom lip, ran a fingertip over the china handle of her mug.

A moment’s silence passed before Serena spoke, her interest piqued and Bernie obviously now not willing to continue without encouragement. “How so?” She asked. 

“We...um… we didn’t go to bed together-- hadn’t since I met you. It didn’t seem right when I liked you… I  _ more _ than like you.” Bernie cheeks were red, her eyes diverted as she stumbled over her words.

“I wouldn’t have held it against you if you had, darling.” 

“I know.” Bernie glanced up through her fringe, fingers wrapped around the mug of coffee in her lap.

“Will Alex be okay?” Serena asked, somehow genuinely concerned over a woman she had barely met but Bernie had loved her, still would always feel something for her, and that was enough reason to care. 

“Yes, I think so. I think it mostly just feels weird, that we probably won’t see each other again after everything that happened between us when we were stationed together, but she’ll be okay.” Bernie nodded, paused before looking warmly at Serena. “I’m so glad you’re here.” 

“Me too.” They shared a tender smile before Serena spoke again.  “Will you stay here? In this apartment?” 

Bernie shrugged, “I’d like to. I guess I need to call my landlord and ask if he’s agreed to rent it out to anyone else yet.” 

“And the hospital?” Serena asked, the significance of the question making Serena’s voice waver.

“I don’t know where I stand with going back, if Hanssen would even let me after all the stress I’ve must have caused lately.” Bernie finished her coffee, placing her cup down next to Serena’s before closing any distance between them, nuzzling her head into Serena’s neck. “Is it possible to reverse a P45?”

“If anyone can Hanssen can.” Serena reassured her, arms wrapping around Bernie’s torso.

Bernie hummed an agreement, peppering kisses across Serena’s neck and shoulders, “Now where were we?” she smiled, her fingers wasting no time in untying the robe from around Serena’s waist. 

 

* * *

 

The sound of Elinor scraping her car to take Jason to work woke Serena that morning and she rose sleepily from her bed to peak out the window. The pavement and road were covered in thick layer of snow, and she watched as Jason sat inside the car on the driveway, keeping warm as Elinor scraped the ice and snow from the windscreen.

Elinor had asked last night if she could borrow the car to take Jason to work before she went to meet some old school friends for the day, Serena had instantly agreed, knowing she was off work for the next two days, but now realised with some annoyance that with the snow and no transport she was pretty much homebound and on her own. 

Serena hadn’t seen Bernie for the last three days, had sensed Bernie needed some time to sort her life now she was no longer leaving the country, had wanted to give her the space to do so. Serena couldn’t help but feel the ache in her chest at how much she missed her, how odd it felt not to see her every day at work. 

She had spent the last three days almost solidly on AAU, dealing with overspill from ED and being a staff member down. Jason and Fletch had done what they could to help, working together to support Serena in getting patients in, operated on and discharged as quickly and safely as possible. Serena felt stress rise in her chest at the thought of dealing with the rest of the Christmas rush without another surgeon to help. The only saving grace of the busyness had been that everyone, Ric Griffin included, had been much too busy to ask what had happened at the Christmas party and, having spent so much time at work, Elinor had barely had a chance to grill her over what had happened, had simply asked one evening if everything was okay now, to which Serena had simply nodded, a contented smile on her face. 

Serena showered and pottered around the house for a bit, coffee in hand as she gathered the Christmas decorations from various cupboards. Jason’s advent calendar already had five doors open and Serena chastised herself for not having been organised enough to have put up any decorations already. Last year she’d asked Jason to help, had hoped he would enjoy it and would want a say in where each decoration went, but the whole thing had been a bit overwhelming and this year Serena had agreed to put them up without him in the house.

Once all the decorations had been located, Serena slumped down on the couch, assessing all the boxes now taking up the floor of the living room. She knew she was missing the most crucial decoration of all - a Christmas tree. She smiled to herself at the mental image of Bernie with a large tree resting on her shoulder, all big and strong and sweaty. She picked up her phone, bit her bottom lip as she typed out a message.

_ I'm in need of a Christmas tree but Elinor has my car. Are you free to help a lady out? I’ll make it worth your while.  _

She waited, albeit a little nervously, placed her phone on the side of the couch as she slipped her coffee. Was something so domestic Bernie’s scene? Would she want to have anything to do with Christmas after the Christmas dinner with Charlotte and Cameron that had ended in disaster?   Serena’s phone beeped and she quickly picked it up to read Bernie’s response. 

_ As if I could refuse an offer like that. Shall I pick you up? B  _

_ 15 minutes?  _

_ See you then, B X _

The kiss at the end of Bernie's message made Serena's heart flutter and she quickly finished her coffee, applying a layer of lipstick before finding her winter boots and fluffy hat, the sound of Bernie’s car horn signalling it was time to leave.

 

* * *

“Good morning.” Serena’s heart soared at the sight of Bernie as she climbed into the passenger seat of the car, her eyes immediately drawn to Bernie’s messy ponytail, her hair pulled back to reveal her wonderful cheekbones and rosy lips.

Bernie leant across, placed a soft kiss to the edge of Serena’s mouth, “I missed you.” she replied sincerely before a smile appeared on her lips. “What is that on your head?” 

“It’s a hat.” Serena replied indignantly, buckling her seatbelt.

“It’s very…” Bernie’s grin widened, “Russian.”

“It’s called fashion, actually.” Serena replied, her voice serious but her eyes jovial.

“You’re beautiful.” Bernie leant in again, slipped her tongue into Serena’s mouth in a passionate kiss that left both of them breathless, before turning the engine of the car and heading off to the local garden centre.

Serena realised very soon after she and Bernie arrived at the garden centre that she couldn’t have chosen a better tree-buying partner. Bernie had waited patiently, standing in the snow whilst Serena asked the sales assistant to show them almost every tree that was available, she had offered her honest opinion throughout, letting Serena know if she thought the branches were even on both sides or if the top was too bendy or too long, all whilst holding Serena’s hand in hers. They eventually decided on one - a 6ft Nordman - and Bernie lugged it back to her car, messed around with the seats in the back to make it fit, before driving them both back to Serena’s house.

“I can bring it in for you, get it in its stand and watered?” She offered as they parked up outside Serena’s house. 

“I could make us some mulled wine? If you’d like to stay a little while?”

Bernie smiled, “I’d like that.”

Serena left Bernie to unload the tree and found a bottle of mulled wine in her kitchen, poured it into a saucepan to heat up and found two fairly large mugs from the cupboard.  She didn’t have to wait long for the wine to warm before heading into the living room, mugs in hand. “Oh Bernie, it’s stunning.” Serena smiled broadly at the sight of the large tree in the corner of the room, 

“It does look alright, doesn’t it?” Bernie agreed, standing back from the tree to take in its full glory.

Serena passed her a mug of the warm, spiced wine, the smell of it mixed with the pine of the tree was distinctly Christmassy and made Serena’s body fill with joy. She entwined her fingers with Bernie’s, rested her head on Bernie’s shoulder as they stood together. 

Bernie took a sip of the liquid, before resting her head atop of Serena’s. “I have a meeting with Hanssen tomorrow, to discuss next steps for coming back to the hospital. When I spoke to him on the phone he said it was a possibility I would have to go through a formal hiring process again, and that it could end up taking months.”

Serena groaned tiredly, “I hope it doesn’t take too long. You know what winter in the NHS is like... I need you back.” She snuggled her head into the crook of Bernie’s neck, felt Bernie’s arm wrap around her waist. 

“I miss not seeing you everyday.” Bernie replied, her voice tight with emotion. 

“I miss you too.” Serena replied, felt Bernie press a light kiss into her hair. “Shall we put some decorations on this tree then?” She asked, eager to see the tree covered in lights and colour. 

The Christmas decorations were soon unloaded from their various boxes and the two women began to place them across the tree. Sometimes Serena would share a story about a certain decoration as she passed it to Bernie, usually it was something Elinor had made or a souvenir from a trip she’d made over Christmas just after her divorce from Edward, a small symbol of empowerment and freedom, but mostly they remained silent, letting the sound of Christmas music from a nearby stereo fill the room. 

“I took my tree down when I thought I was leaving. Doesn’t seem much point to put it back up just for me.” Bernie seemed to become lost in her thoughts as they placed the last decoration and she took in the sight of the finished tree. 

“Why don’t you spend Christmas here? I’m sure Elinor and Jason would like to have you here too.” Serena was nervous as the words left her lips, didn’t want Bernie to feel she had to agree but couldn’t stand the thought of her alone on Christmas day. 

“I couldn’t ask that..” Bernie looked surprised that Serena would make such a grand gesture.  

“I’ll be cooking for three anyway, one more won’t make much of a difference,” Serena shrugged, “and I want you to be here, if you want to be here.” Her eyes met with Bernie’s, anxious that she was asking too much.

“I want to be here.” Bernie echoed Serena’s words, closed any space between them and slid her arm around Serena’s waist.

“We forgot the topper.” Serena murmured as she kissed Bernie’s forehead, “would you like to do the honors?”

They parted as Serena reached into a box to pull out an angel, dressed in a flowing gold dress, with pink cheeks and short, dark hair. Serena couldn’t help but notice the confusion on Bernie’s face as she handed it over. 

“It’s quite something.” Bernie spoke, her eyes twinkling with humour.

“Jason picked it, the first Christmas we spent together,” Serena matched Bernie’s smile, “it’s quite disgusting really, but he said it reminded him of me, that I was his Christmas angel for letting him live with me.” She felt tears sting her eyes as she spoke and blushed at the ridiculousness of being upset over a badly-made, slightly wonky angel.

“You are an angel.” Bernie smiled affectionately before reaching up to place the angel on top of tree. 

Serena couldn’t resist wrapping her arms around Bernie’s waist as Bernie stretched to reach the top of the tree, her neck exposed and body taut. She placed a kiss on her jawline, ran tongue along the muscle of Bernie’s neck, felt Bernie’s body melt against hers in response. 

She shifted behind Bernie, ran her hands around the exposed skin of Bernie’s waist and under her thin cotton t-shirt and up to the edge of her bra, Bernie’s back pressed into Serena’s front and her head rested back on Serena’s shoulder as Serena continued to lick and kiss the sensitive, exposed skin. One of Serena’s hands left Bernie’s bra, travelled south to the edge of her denim jeans. “These jeans are the tightest, most glorious piece of clothing I think I’ve ever seen.” Serena breathed into Bernie’s ear. 

Bernie whimpered in response, her hands holding onto Serena’s forearms for support as Serena’s kisses continued and her thumb and forefinger made quick work of the button of Bernie’s jeans. 

“Mum, whose car is in the driveway?” Elinor’s voice sounded loudly from the hallway as the front door opened and closed, followed by the sound of shoes being kicked off and coats being haphazardly chucked over the bannister.

Serena barely had time to step away from Bernie’s body as Elinor and Jason burst into the room, noses and cheeks red from the cold. They briefly looked confused, firstly at the sight of Bernie Wolfe in their living room, and secondly at the brightly lit Christmas tree that hadn’t been there when they left that morning. 

“I didn’t realise you could put up Christmas trees, Doctor Bernie. It looks much better than when Auntie Serena tried to do it last year.” Jason grinned. 

“Her talents are endless.” Serena replied, tried to avoid Bernie’s suggestive smirk in response. 

Serena watched as Elinor’s eyes went from Serena’s pink and slightly swollen lips, Bernie’s reddened neck, the open button of Bernie’s jeans, the pieces quickly coming together as to what they had been up to before they had been interrupted. Bernie obviously noticed Elinor’s gaze, as she quickly re-buttoned her jeans before shoving her hands in her pockets awkwardly. 

“We’re meant to be having dinner in 25 minutes,” Jason looked down at his watch, puzzled by the lack of usual routine, “Tuesday is casserole night but there’s nothing on the stove. It is Tuesday, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is Tuesday,” Serena confirmed, felt her cheeks flush at what Jason and Elinor might have walked in on if they had been just a few minutes later, “I didn’t think you’d both be back for hours.”

“Obviously.” Elinor replied, her eyebrows raised in judgement but no harshness in her voice. 

“Will you be staying for dinner?” Jason asked Bernie.

“No, no… I better be getting home.” Bernie smiled, made her way out of the living room with Serena in tow.

“Thank you for today.” Serena spoke as they reached the front door.

“It was my pleasure, really.” Bernie replied, tucked a stray hair behind Serena’s ear before placing a slow, gentle kiss on her lips. 

“Call me tomorrow when you’ve spoken to Hanssen?” Serena asked as their lips parted, bodies close and fingers entwining tightly, neither really ready to say goodbye. 

Bernie nodded, “I will.” She pulled her coat on and stole a last, brief kiss before heading out into the snow to her car.  
  



	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year!! Thank you for reading and commenting so far :) 
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes, new year's celebrations meant I've only had three hours sleep! Argg.

**Chapter 12**

 

An awkward silence fell over Elinor and Serena as Jason left the dinner table to watch the latest episode of Mastermind. No one had spoken of Bernie since she had left but Serena knew better than to think Elinor would remain silent on the matter.

“I’m going to go back to university after Chrismas,” Elinor was the first to break the silence, running her fingertip around the edge of her can of Coca-Cola, “I only stayed longer than I thought I would because you weren’t happy, I wanted to help.”

Serena wanted to protest, feeling uncomfortable to have allowed herself to be so vulnerable in front of her daughter. A mother should take care of her daughter and Serena wasn't sure it was meant to be other way around, but she was willing to admit to herself that she'd needed Elinor’s support. She was grateful her daughter had stayed.

“I don’t think you need my help anymore.” Elinor offered a warm smile.

“If it weren’t for you Bernie would be in Dresden right now."

“Yes, although in that scenario I wouldn’t have nearly walked in on my mother with her hand down said woman’s knickers.”

Serena took a long sip of her wine, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks as she wished the ground would open up and swallow her as quickly as possible. It was only when she felt brave enough to raise her gaze to Elinor’s that she felt some relief to see humour in her eyes.  

“Your faces were a picture.” Elinor gave a laugh and stood to gather the dinner plates from the table, stacking them on top of each other.

Serena smiled, exhaled with relief that Elinor hadn't made the situation more awkward than it already was. She helped to gather the serving dishes and joined Elinor by the sink, taking on the role of dryer as Elinor dunked each dish into hot soapy water. “I..um.. I invited Bernie over for Christmas. I hope that’s okay?” Nerves filled her that Elinor would protest at such an intrusion on their family. 

“Sure," She shrugged, nonchalant. "You could invite her over for dinner one night before then it if you liked? The last time we spoke properly was that night her kids screamed at her, hardly the best environment to get to know someone.”

“I’ll ask her.”

“Will Bernie’s kids come for Christmas too?"

“I doubt it. I don’t think they’re speaking to her.”

“That’s sad.” Elinor rubbed a particularly difficult mark from one of the plates before passing it in to Serena’s cloth-clad hands.

Serena simply nodded, remembering the difficult times she'd shared with Elinor. Elinor had taken Serena’s and Edward’s divorce badly and looking back Serena could see a thousand things she would have done differently to ease the pain for her daughter. She’d felt so angry at Edward for breaking up their family, had been angry at herself too for not having been a better wife and allowing it to happen. She saw now that the collapse of their marriage was solely down to Edward's never-ending enthusiasm for whiskey and young nurses. Her worst regret of it all was that she had let her anger brush off onto Elinor, leaving their relationship in a shambles of slammed doors and screaming. How thankful Serena was that they had recovered something from the wreckage.  “I love you, Ellie.” She eventually spoke, her voice a little choked with the emotion that had crept up on her.

Elinor looked up from the washing up to see tears in Serena’s eyes and she didn't wait a second before engulfing her in a tight hug. “I love you too, mum, you silly old muppet.”

 

* * *

 

Serena was out Christmas shopping when Bernie phoned the next day, her heart surging at the sight of Bernie’s name as the caller as she placed carrier bags full of presents by her feet. “I was wondering when you’d call.” She smiled into the phone, browsing the aisle of DVDs in front of her despite her attention now entirely on the sound of Bernie's voice.

“Sorry. Hanssen was running late for our meeting and then he wanted to run over every line of my new contract to make sure I understood it and the implications for the hospital if I… as he put it ‘ _keep hopping around as I please_ ’.”

“You have a new contract?” Bernie's words filled Serena with hope.

“My first shift back is Christmas Eve.”

“That’s two weeks away.“ The words left Serena’s lips before she could stop herself, disappointment evident in her voice.

“I’m so sorry. Something to do with HR and the time it takes to process my new ID card. I told Hanssen you needed me back but he said it wasn’t up to him.” Bernie sounded guilty and Serena immediately felt awful. She would do what she needed to get through the run up to Christmas, knowing Bernie was coming back was the only thing that really mattered.

“Darling, it doesn’t matter. Where are you now?”

“In my car, in the hospital car park.”

“I’m in town. Fancy joining me?”

“Very much so.”

No more than twenty minutes had passed before Bernie found Serena in an aisle full of Christmas cards, the festive designs creating a sea of red and gold in an otherwise plain store. Bernie's hand pressed lightly against on Serena's lower back, her lips brushing Serena's cheek as Serena's arm slid around her waist and Bernie smiled into the embrace. “Who are you buying for?” She asked, her eyes scanning the cards in front of them.

Serena blushed, remaining silent as she watched Bernie take in the label above the section of cards that read  _Girlfriend at Christmas._ Thankfully her indecisiveness had meant she hadn't picked one for Bernie yet, wanted something that somehow felt so important to be a surprise. 

Bernie smirked, began to pick up a few of the cards in front of them, casting her eyes over the designs. “Actually, I’ve started seeing this stunning brunette at work, I could do with buying her a card,” Her tone was playful to begin with but turned serious as she selected a card to offer to Serena, “What do you think of this one?”

The card design was a winter scene of snow covered hilltops and two silhouetted people ice skating in the foreground. Serena felt her mouth go dry as she read the card's large swirly text: ‘ _To the woman I love at Christmas’._ “Is that true? Is that how you feel... about me?” She asked, the sound of her own heartbeat now louder than the Christmas music that played across the shop. 

Bernie's brown eyes were anxious as they met Serena's, “Yes. Is--is that okay?”

Serena leant in, closed the space between them and kissed Bernie, lips lingering as she savoured the sensation of Bernie’s mouth against hers, not giving a damn she was displaying such affection in the middle of a card shop.  They shared a smile as their lips parted, both a little overwhelmed and appreciative at the sight of the other.

They shared a moment's silence before Serena spoke, changing the subject before her own romantic confessions spilled from her lips - this was not the time nor the place to do justice to the words she would use to describe her feelings for Bernie. “Have you got a card for Charlotte and Cameron?”

“They’re not speaking to me. I tried calling them both, sending texts, they don’t reply. ” Bernie's tone wasn't sharp but Serena could sense an eagerness from her for the conversation to be over.

“They don’t have to be speaking to you for you to send them a card.” She tried again, despite her wariness of upsetting Bernie after an already tough day with Hanssen. 

“What if they ignore it?”

“What if they don’t?”

Bernie remained silent but moved down the aisle towards the cards for parents to give to their children. The two women spent the next ten minutes or so picking up cards and looking at the designs and words, trying to find an appropriate message that conveyed how much Bernie loved them without presuming they felt anything in return. After much debate Bernie ended up settling on a card that was blank inside and had a simple cartoon drawing of three snowmen on the front. “I want to write my own message and do this properly.” Bernie said decidedly before heading to the tills.

They found a little coffee shop just a short walk away from the main line of shops and Serena handed over her shopping bags to Bernie, suggested she found them some seats whilst she ordered their coffee and a few minutes later was carrying over two large cappuccinos to a table in the corner of the cafe. Bernie had the card she had chosen for Charlotte and Cameron in front of her, pen in hand as she tapped it nervously on the table.

Serena passed Bernie her coffee, "do you know what you want to write?" she asked.

Bernie shook her head, put the pen down in defeat. “I just want to see them on Christmas day.” Her expression was pained as she spoke and she closed her eyes tightly for a moment, quickly wiped away the tears that had escaped down her cheeks. “When I was serving I was always away over Christmas. I would lie in my bunk with my eyes closed, imagining their faces as they ripped open their presents from Santa or laughing at those awful jokes you get in crackers. I don't know if I'll ever have Christmas with them like I always wanted, the last one I tried to engineer didn’t go particularly well, did it?”

Serena reached out, covered Bernie’s hand with her own. “Things are different now.”

“I still would have left them, if it hadn’t been for you. It’s not the sort of thing you write in a Christmas card, is it?”

“What do you want to tell them?”

“That I’m sorry. I did the wrong things, I said the wrong things.”

“Perhaps they might be a little tired of apologies by now, don’t you think?” Serena’s words were cautious but an honesty she hoped Bernie would appreciate. She paused to sip her coffee before continuing, “What if you told them about how you’d like things to be in the future?”

“I’d like to get to know them,” Bernie shrugged, “I want them to know I'm here if they need me...that I’m here to stay.”

Serena raised her eyebrows, offered her best encouraging smile and Bernie took the hint, started to put pen to card, albeit a little nervously. Serena diverted her attention to the large cafe window, watched as shoppers trundled past, laden with carrier bags and wrapped up in big winter jackets. She stayed silent as Bernie wrote, wary not to intrude on her privacy, only briefly making out the last line in the card when she looked over to see Bernie writing it.

_It’d be nice to see you over Christmas if that’s something you might like. Please call me. Love always, mum._

Bernie pushed the card into its envelope, began scribbling an address down on the front of the white envelope, “They’re staying at Marcus’s house over Christmas, they always do.”

“Do you want me to post it for you? I drive past a postbox on my way home.”

Bernie passed the envelope to her, “Thank you.” They both sipped their coffee for a minute before Bernie spoke again. “I hope Elinor didn’t give you a hard time yesterday. I can’t imagine she was too pleased at the sight of us.”

Serena laughed, “Actually she reacted better than I might have done if I’d been her. She even asked if you’d join us for dinner one night soon? I think she’s keen to get to know you a bit better.”

A delighted smile graced Bernie’s lips, Elinor’s invitation evidently significant to her. “I’d like that.”

“How about Saturday night? I’m not in work ‘til midday on Sunday,” Serena paused, toyed with the chain around her neck a little nervously, “you could stay over if you liked?”

A blush crept over Bernie’s cheeks as they shared a lingering gaze. “I’ll bring my pyjamas.” Her eyes twinkled as she spoke.

“Oh I don’t think you’ll be needing those.” Serena made no attempt to hide the desire in her reply. Her heart raced at the idea of taking Bernie Wolfe to her bed and she felt a little breathless at the memory of Bernie's mouth between her thighs. Despite the logical side of Serena knowing two days wasn’t long to wait until they would see each other again, she was positive they would feel like the longest two days of her life.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK!! This chapter is absolutely NSFW and has taken me bloody ages to finish. I hope it's decent - let me know.
> 
> I've checked this for spelling mistakes and such like but I have probably missed a few, so I apologise in advance.

Chapter 13

It was the third time that Serena plumped the cushions on the sofa that Elinor finally made a comment, sat in the armchair across the room, her eyes fixated on Serena’s nervous actions.

“Mum, I hardly think Bernie will care about the shape of the cushions.”

“Aunty Serena is nervous. She’s fiddling with things in the house because it decreases her anxiety.” Jason piped up from the living room doorway, kitchen cloth in-hand from his assigned duty of washing up before Bernie arrived. “She’s been doing it since she got home.”

“Thank you, Jason.” Serena rolled her eyes.

“It’s annoying,” Elinor commented.

Serena sighed, checking the clock for the umpteenth time. Bernie was ten minutes late. She smoothed out an invisible crease in her cream and blue striped shirt, wondered if it was too mumsy, if Bernie would think it was nice. She’d only just got back from a thirteen hour shift, had quickly showered and pulled on whatever was clean and ironed from her wardrobe - hardly the effort she’d wanted to go to for their second night together. She felt agitated, full of nerves, was sure the three-shot latte she’d consumed in the car on the way home was only adding to her restlessness, but at least she wasn’t in any risk of falling asleep halfway through dinner.

“Bernie has been to our house before,” Jason spoke again, “she should know the way, shouldn’t she?”

A new wave of butterflies filled Serena’s stomach that Jason too had realised Bernie was late. Perhaps Bernie had bailed on her, had found the idea of a Campbell family dinner too daunting. Maybe Serena had put too much pressure on her when her own family situation was so tenuous or Bernie had decided that spending the night in Serena’s bed wasn’t what she wanted after all. The doorbell rang before Serena could reply or worry any further and she quickly left the living room, making her way to the front door.

“I brought you flowers.” Bernie’s first words as Serena opened the door were abrupt, the red roses pushed towards Serena’s chest in a fluster. Before Serena could reply Bernie was speaking again, “I’m sorry I’m late, I wanted to bring something like people do when they come for dinner so I got you flowers… do you like flowers? I mean I know you’ve got a Christmas tree, I helped you buy it, but it’s hardly the same thing is it?” Bernie’s nerves were evident, more so than Serena thought her own might be.

“I like flowers.” Serena confirmed, taking the bouquet from Bernie’s hand and leaning in to place a kiss against her cheek. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I’m late.” Bernie repeated, a blush rising to her cheeks. She pushed her now-empty hands into her jeans pockets, her black shirt creasing a little at her waist as she did so.

“It’s fine. Dinner won’t be another twenty minutes at least,” Serena turned to lead Bernie through to the kitchen, placed the flowers in a jug of water by the sink. “Can I pour you a glass of something?”

Bernie nodded, eyes darting towards the dining room table where four places were set. She leaned back against the kitchen counter in some sort of attempt to settle herself. “Are Elinor and Jason here?”

“Yes, they’re just in the living room.” Serena poured two extraordinarily large glasses of Shiraz for them both and passed one to Bernie. She hoped the alcohol might settle their nerves.

“I’m not very good with family dinners.” Bernie admitted after taking a healthy gulp of the wine, “as my children and I demonstrated so wonderfully.”

“It’s not like you haven’t met Elinor and Jason before.” Serena replied reassuringly, offered a warm smile that Bernie mirrored.

“I don’t want to mess this up.” Bernie placed her wine down on the counter, her attention nervously on her shoes as she shrugged awkwardly.

“You won’t,” Serena placed her glass down beside Bernie’s, took a step closer to her and let her fingers slide down Bernie’s side, coming to rest on her hip.

Bernie’s hand came to rest atop of Serena’s, gently tracing the back of Serena’s hand with her fingertip as her gaze rose to meet Serena’s. “You look beautiful.” Bernie’s voice was only a whisper as she pressed herself forward to close the space between them.

The feeling of Bernie’s body against her own made Serena thrum with desire, only adding to the anticipation she already felt over Bernie’s staying that night. She closed her eyes as Bernie’s lips met her own, slow and languid and so glorious that Serena felt it all the way down to her toes. Serena could taste the mixture of Shiraz and cigarettes as she kissed Bernie, imagined Bernie had been smoking for much the same reason Serena had been plumping cushions earlier. How ridiculous it seemed, in hindsight, to have been nervous over being together. Serena felt the tension in her own body ease as they kissed, could too feel Bernie relax against her.

Serena rested her forehead against Bernie’s as their lips parted, shared a warm smile, “As much as I would like to spend all night kissing you, darling. I did promise you a dinner.”

Bernie pouted, “Can I change my mind?”

“There’ll be plenty of time for that later.” Serena grinned, watching a blush rise to Bernie’s cheeks at the thought. She took a sip of her wine, let her fingers trail lazily over the back pocket Bernie’s jeans, pressed herself a little closer against Bernie’s body before pulling away as she heard Jason and Elinor coming down the corridor.

“Sit down, it’s ready.” Serena motioned Bernie to the table with her glass as chairs scraped across the wooden floor as Jason and Elinor took their seats, “I’ll bring it over.”

Bernie took a place next to Elinor at the table. “How’s working at Holby City going for you Jason?” She asked, obviously eager to break the ice. “Is everyone treating you well?”

Serena smiled as she brought over the first serving dishes. Bernie’s concern as to how Jason was settling into the hospital warmed her heart.

“I spend a lot of time pushing people around in wheelchairs, the patients are much nicer than the porters. I met an old man yesterday who was a painter, he offered to draw my portrait for me when I go in tomorrow.”

“Don’t bother the patients too much, Jason, they are there to get better, not to feature you in works of art.” Serena warned, albeit warmly.

“The porters just talk about you and Aunty Serena a lot.” Jason added.

“Oh?” Bernie asked, eyebrows raised.

“I don’t think we need to be concerning ourselves with idle hospital gossip.” Serena shut down the conversation, bringing over the remainder of the dinner and taking a seat opposite Bernie and next to Jason. She had heard whispers about some of the stories the porters can concocted about her and Bernie, some of which were not appropriate to hear spoken out loud by her nephew.

“Can you drive a van, Bernie?” Elinor asked, taking the hint to change the subject.

Bernie shrugged, reached across the table to load her plate with chicken and carrots. “I can drive a tank. Surely they must work in the same way?”

Serena caught a brief glimpse of awe in Elinor’s expression, smiled into her wine glass that perhaps her big, macho army medic girlfriend was impressing her daughter.

“Mum’s offered me some of the furniture from the spare room for my student digs, save me buying new furniture for the sake of my final year. I can rent a van but I can’t drive it,” Elinor tucked into her dinner, her tone casual but the implication of her words held weight. “Can you drive me back to uni after Christmas?”

Serena knew Bernie had missed out on being the parent to drop her kids off at university, had allowed Marcus to enjoy all the milestone experiences of parenthood whilst she had been in the army. It felt huge, even for Serena, for Elinor to ask Bernie to finally be that person, to drop her off at university as any normal parent would. Serena could see Bernie too felt the importance of Elinor’s question, the tension in her jaw visible as she seemed unsure how to respond.

“Happy to.” Bernie eventually replied, nodded with an appreciative smile.

“What’s your favourite board game, Doctor Bernie?” Jason asked when conversation fell silent again.

Serena listened as Jason, Bernie and Elinor started a debate on which board games were the best, despite Bernie only being able to recommend games that she had been able to play whilst sat in a tent in the middle of a dessert, and dinner somehow passed in a blur of roasted meat and veg, trifle and a game of Scrabble that Serena and Bernie teamed up to win after Bernie somehow managed to spell  _toxoplasmosis_ on a triple word score.

Overall Serena considered the evening a success but by 11pm she was eager to finally get Bernie alone. They were sat together on the sofa in the living room, fingers entwined as Newsnight filled the TV screen. Bernie’s head rested on Serena’s shoulder, their sides pressed together warmly from shoulder to knee. Serena could smell the sweetness of Bernie’s shampoo, feel the softness of her hair as she rested her head atop of Bernie’s, let herself relax into the feeling of having her so close.

Elinor had taken her usual spot on the armchair, her phone in her hand as she stared into the device in her hsnd. Jason was sat on the floor by the television, occasionally making comment at some of the more ridiculous statements from MPs and members of the audience.

Serena waited patiently until the end of Newsnight before gently squeezing Bernie’s hand, trying to get her attention silently in the hope they could slip out without a knowing look from Elinor or awkward question from Jason. Bernie quickly took the hint from Serena’s action and they both left the room, padding up the carpeted staircase and heading for Serena’s bedroom.

Serena barely had time to flick on a bedside table lamp before Bernie was pulling her into a heated kiss, tongues and teeth meeting desperately after hours of thinking about finally being alone together.

Eventually parting for air, Bernie made the most of the slight space between them to make quick work of the buttons on Serena’s shirt, pushing the fabric from her body. “Oh Serena.” Her voice was low, thick with appreciation and desire at the sight of Serena’s lace bra as she ran her fingers across the swell of her breasts. She tenderly slid each strap down Serena's shoulders, eventually removing the bra from her body entirely to take the weight of Serena's breasts in her hands, purposely letting her thumbs graze leisurely over Serena’s nipples.

Serena felt a shaking breath leave her body, left breathless by the reverence in Bernie’s voice, how her eyes took the detail of Serena’s body hungrily. Things had been so rushed before, powered by alcohol and an animalistic craving that both women had willingly given in to, but now stood together in Serena’s bedroom the atmosphere between them was intimate and unhurried, both eager to take in every detail of the other as Serena rid Bernie of her shirt, fingers trailing over freshly discovered skin as Bernie’s hands began to push at Serena’s trousers.

Serena could hear her own breath as it left her lips, her heart beating hard in her chest, as they let silence envelop them in the dim light of the room. The vulnerability and delicacy between them palpable, so much more meaningful than a simple meeting of skin on skin.

Bernie’s lips sought Serena’s again as she unbuttoned Serena’s trousers, let them drop to the floor by her shirt, hot hands roaming over the lace edging over Serena’s knickers.

"I want to taste you." Serena whispered between kisses, had longed to hear Bernie’s soft moans again since their first night together, had spent nights fantasizing what it would be like to have her mouth between Bernie’s thighs. She heard Bernie whimper against her mouth, pushed her back against the bed and rid of her jeans in the process, bit her bottom lip at the sight of Bernie’s nearly-naked body laid out on her bedspread, eyes dark with desire as they looked up at her.

Bernie pulled Serena down on top of her, groaned at the sensation of Serena’s thigh between her legs. Serena smiled, captured Bernie’s lips briefly before reaching behind Bernie to unclasp her bra, teeth and lips and fingers greedily finding Bernie’s nipples. Serena moaned at the way Bernie pushed her breasts against her mouth and rolled her hips against Serena’s thigh.

Serena felt intoxicated, already throbbing with want from how Bernie reacted to her touch. Eventually she headed south down Bernie’s body, dipped her tongue into Bernie’s belly button and smiled into warm skin as Bernie whimpered at the realisation Serena’s mouth was headed where she needed her the most. Serena laid soft kisses across the soft but firm skin of Bernie’s stomach, let her tongue slide briefly under the waistline of her knickers before placing her mouth over the material, desire shooting through her body at how wet Bernie was. Bernie’s thighs parted further and she pushed her hips against Serena’s mouth, fingers bunching in the bedsheets around her, her head back against the mattress and her breath already laboured.

The sight of Bernie's sweat-glistened skin, legs parted and body writhing sent a fresh bolt of desire all the way through Serena. How delicious Bernie looked, laid open for her. God, how much she wanted to taste her. Serena placed delicate and teasing kisses across Bernie’s thighs, closed her eyes as she savoured the feeling of her lips lingering over smooth skin.

"Serena, I need you." Bernie begged, soft and desperate.

Serena obliged, fingers hooking into Bernie’s knickers to pull them down her legs, parting her thighs again gently before her tongue finally met Bernie’s cunt. Serena revelled in Bernie's wet heat as she took long, slow swipes, savouring the taste of her before Bernie whimpered, needing more, and Serena finally buried her face into her, eager and hungry. Serena could barely take her eyes from the sight of Bernie’s body responding to her mouth, was keen to learn what she liked, encouraged by the sweetest cries of pleasure Serena could have ever dreamt of.

Bernie's fingers desperately met with Serena's hair, kept her close as her body tensed. "Don't stop." She repeated, a breathless mantra that Serena was happy to abide.

Knowing Bernie was close, Serena slid two fingers inside her, received a guttural cry in response as Bernie came against her mouth and fingers. She couldn't help but moan at the sensation as Bernie's back arched from the bed, her nails digging into Serena's scalp. Serena stayed between Bernie's thighs until Bernie’s breathing began to settle again, placed kisses over the pale skin of her legs and stomach.

Bernie's fingers lazily travelled through her hair and across her neck and shoulders before eventually pulling her back up the bed to lay on her side so they were facing each other. Serena felt herself blush as their eyes met, became intensely aware at how turned on she was at the sight of Bernie's eyes, dark and still full of longing.

Bernie took Serena's hand, bringing Serena’s still wet fingers to her lips, ran her tongue over the tips. Serena moaned at the warmth of Bernie's mouth, that Bernie was tasting herself on her fingers. Bernie reached between them, her fingers leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake as she ran her hand down Serena's leg. She pulled Serena's knickers down enough for Serena to kick them off and guided Serena's thigh up to rest across her hip, providing better access to the three fingers that wasted no time in entering her.

Serena's eyes rolled back in her head as Bernie filled her, Bernie's mouth still around her fingers, tongue gently swiping the length and tips, sucking herself from Serena's hand.

Serena knew she was seconds away from her release, had been keyed up and desperate for this for days. "Fuck" was the only word she could find, her mind only able to focus on Bernie's tongue on her fingers and fingers fucking her, deep and hard and glorious.

The gentle pressure of Bernie's thumb against her clit was all that was needed for Serena's orgasm to hit her, a strangled moan escaping her lips, eyes slammed shut as her release spread to every part of her body like wildfire, a burning, out of control heat that left her breathless and spent.

It was only the feeling of Bernie’s lips on her own, gentle and lingering, that brought Serena back to reality and she smiled into their kisses, became aware of Bernie’s soft warm skin against her own. How wonderful it felt, Serena thought, to hold someone so close and feel so loved in return. How lucky she felt for it to be her best friend.

"I've fallen in love with you." Serena could barely hear her own words over the deafening beat of her heart as it raced in her chest, as though her body had known and reacted to what she was about to say before her mind had registered it. She let out a deep breath and willed herself to continue. "I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you."

Bernie remained silent, eyes searching Serena's for any hint of insincerity or doubt as though she couldn't believe what she had heard.

"This..." Serena continued, moved her hand from Bernie's waist to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Bernie's ear, let her fingers pause against her cheekbone. "...being with you... couldn't feel more perfect."

Bernie closed her eyes, tilted her head closer to Serena's hand and Serena's fingers glided through Bernie's hair, pulling her closer to place a lingering kiss on her forehead.

"I love you." Bernie whispered, her voice thick with emotion, and Serena realised as she held her that Bernie's body was trembling. "God, I love you Serena."

Serena pulled back to meet Bernie's eyes, found so much devotion in Bernie's gaze that she felt her heart clench with emotion before claiming Bernie’s mouth with her own, felt as though she were drowning in everything that Bernie was and everything she felt for her and didn’t ever want to come up for air.


End file.
